Oh So Elegant

moving on is turning out to be the hardest thing i have ever even DREAMT about doing.
me and cameron have been apart for about a month now.
at first, i was angry.

the anger has worn off and i am sinking in to depression.
i miss everything about him.
i know he used to read these. part of me hopes he still does.
part of me hopes he thinks i am being strong. i know that's what he wanted.

I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
She will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood

-where i stood missy higgins




i found a lump in breast.
i went to the doctor today and she referred me to another woman, who i am seeing on wednesday.
i have never been so scared before.

at one point i was cutting myself to see how much blood i could draw.
making myself throw up until i saw blood.
taking pills in hopes of not feeling anything anymore.

but i am genuinely scared i might have something wrong with me.
something i can't control.

i think i am scared cameron won't know that i could be really sick.
i need him now.
i need him to hold me and tell me it will be ok.
that it's nothing that he won't leave my side.



i am to a point where i don't know what to do with anything.
i don't know what step i need to take now.
i don't know how to get out of this hole.

i'll never bow down at your feet

wow. it has been a really long time.

until today, i have been cut/purge free.

about half an hour ago. i cut a lot.
i am currently bingeing.

cameron dumped me about a week ago. yet still tells me he is going to marry me and have kids with me.
however, he shared some information with me.
he is dating lizzy again.




FUCK EVERYTHING.

i told cameron i would not cut anymore. he said he didn't want to deal with it.
he said a while ago that we would be over if i started again.

now what?
i can cut all i want and he can't do a damn thing.
i have nothing to lose anymore.




i don't give a fuck about anything.
as of a few hours ago, i don't care.

nothing is worth it.
people will just let you down.
and you will still have to get up and go to work the next morning.

well now, i don't care.
so i don't finish school, big deal.
so i die really really young, who cares.
everyone will forget soon enough.