My best friend comes and goes. She is so beautiful and she has no idea. Her blue eyes melt my soul. I went to her house early one morning knowing she would still be asleep. I threw twigs i had found across her yard at her window after twenty phone calls she did not answer. When I finally got her out of bed, we curled up with her cats and smoked all day. It was a day of magic I have not felt in a long time. We sang along with George Harrison.
And life flows on within you and without you. We were talking about the love that's gone so cold and the people, Who gain the world and lose their soul.
What if soul mates are not necessarily lovers? Two people made for each other. One lacking what the other can provide. Completing each others sentences and incomplete when they are apart. One soul in separate bodies.
it's the caffeine, the nocotine, the milligrams of tar it's my habitat, it needs to be cleaned, it's my car it's the fast talk they use to abuse and feed my brain it's the cat box it needs to be changed, it's the pain it's women, it's the plight for power it's government it's the way you're giving knowledge slow with thought control and subtle hints it's rubbing it it's itching it, it's applying cream it's the foreigners sight seeing with high beams, it's in my dreams it's the monsters i conjure, it's the marijuana it's embarassment, displacement, it's where i wander it's my genre, it's madonna's videos it's game shows, cheap liquor, blunts and bumper stickers with rainbows it's angels, demons, gods, it's the white devils it's the monitors, the soundman, it's the fucking mic levels it's gas fumes, fast food, tommy hil' and mommy's pill it's columbia house music club, designer drugs and rhyming thugs it's bloods, crips, fives, six it's stick up kids it's christian conservative terrorists, it's porno flicks it's the east coast, no it's the west coast it's public schools, it's asbestos it's mentholated, it's techno it's sleep, life, and death it's speed, coke, and meth it's hay fever, pain relievers, oral sex, and smokers breath it stretches for as far as the eye can see it's reality, fuck it, it's everything but me...
i dazzle myself sometimes. one day i find out i am likely pregnant, the next i see my therapist stoned. my face is disgusting from picking at it constantly. but he still thinks i am beautiful. a small part of me wants to be pregnant. i have the entire dream in my head and i love it. walking down the street hand in hand pushing the stroller. we would be adorable. money would be a problem, as would our ages..but there are plenty of people in worse situations that can make it work.
the other part of me is scared out of my mind. i don't want my life to end here. there is so much i still want to do. what about art school and moving to new york. all my dreams would be unattainable. i want to spend a year in italy. having a baby at 18 years old would not be a step in the right direction to reach those goals.
on the cameron front, i still have my box of memories. but i finally deleted his messhuga album off of my computer. i had a dream about him a few nights ago. i wish more than anything that i could just get over him already. but i can't. don't get me wrong, i love Frank but i can NOT seem to get over cameron. I want to more than anything. Everywhere I turn is something that reminds me of him. everytime i log on to facebook, i see him making friends at school and living life. but he is everywhere. i don't know what to do.
This blog is for my ranting and thinking. I relate to movies and music a lot. The music player above this is for important songs that may be referenced somewhere in my sea of words.
