Don't You Give Me Your Love

I am reading this book.



Suze Rotolo was only a few years my senior when she experienced life. Really experienced life. Today at work I had a revelation. The power went out. The only sound was me and Matthew talking to keep each other company. We sat for what seemed like hours playing twenty questions. After what was only about 45 minutes, our boss started to come up and tell the customers to leave.



I could not wrap my head around the reason they were sitting at barnes and noble for almost an hour with no air and no lights and no coffee. None of this mattered. When my boss told this group of people to leave it blew my mind to hear them beg her to let them stay. Here we are in the middle of a storm and all I want is to go home and lay in my bed. They would rather stay at barnes and noble. So much that they bribe the manager to let them stay.



At that moment, my life flashed before my eyes. I knew I was not dying but it made me realize that I would rather die than live forever like I am now. If I ever become the kind of person who would rather be at barnes and noble than out living life, I don't want to live at all.



What's the point of living if you can't feel alive?
If I can grow up to be half the woman Suze was and is, I will be happy.

Is there anyone I can call?

The puppy I took into my home to help me get over Angel attacked me tonight. My dad heard me crying from downstairs. He ran up to pull her off of me. I was face down on top of my bed screaming for her to stop. Tears streaming down my face and arms trying to keep her away from me. All my mom could say is that it would be ok. All my dad said was I can't let her do that. Show her who's boss.




Looking back on this event that occurred about 20 minutes ago, I am reminded of something me and my therapist Lara discovered on tuesday. I put others wants ahead of my own needs. Penny Lane wanted to lick my face until i couldn't breathe and then chew on my arms and bite my face and stand on my body and hurt me. I need her to stop. Somewhere in the chain of events I rolled with the punches and went on self defense. Praying that someone could hear me. thankfully they could.

time is flying by around me. an hour is gone and i dont know where it is. I am still sitting here. it is all i can do to type.

All The Railroad Men Drink Up Your Blood Like Wine

coffee and cigarettes have become part of me. My lungs are black and my blood is brown. I find myself sitting in my house planning out the music I want played at my wedding and at my funeral. My mind does not exist past the year 1973. The coffee and cigarettes are lesser evil substitutes for heroin and whiskey. He just sits and watches my self destruction. He thinks he is letting me express myself, but only because he does not know what else to do.



As I sit alone on this couch with my dog by my side, Bob Dylan sings my soul back to me. Knockin' On Heaven's door brings me to tears. Penny Lane is sound asleep and I envy her ability to block the world out. I wish I could sleep. He paw twitches and I wonder what she dreams of. I wish I could dream.



And nobody has ever taught you how to live on the street.
And now you find out you're gonna have to get used to it.
You said you'd never compromise with the mystery tramp.
But now you realize he's not selling any alibis.
As you stare into the vacuum of his eyes,
And ask him do you want to make a deal?

Life Flows On, Within You and Without You

My best friend comes and goes. She is so beautiful and she has no idea. Her blue eyes melt my soul. I went to her house early one morning knowing she would still be asleep. I threw twigs i had found across her yard at her window after twenty phone calls she did not answer. When I finally got her out of bed, we curled up with her cats and smoked all day. It was a day of magic I have not felt in a long time. We sang along with George Harrison.

And life flows on within you and without you.
We were talking about the love that's gone so cold and the people,
Who gain the world and lose their soul.

What if soul mates are not necessarily lovers? Two people made for each other. One lacking what the other can provide. Completing each others sentences and incomplete when they are apart. One soul in separate bodies.

The List Goes On And On

it's the caffeine, the nocotine, the milligrams of tar

it's my habitat, it needs to be cleaned, it's my car

it's the fast talk they use to abuse and feed my brain

it's the cat box it needs to be changed, it's the pain

it's women, it's the plight for power it's government

it's the way you're giving knowledge 
slow with thought control and subtle hints

it's rubbing it it's itching it, it's applying cream

it's the foreigners sight seeing with high beams, it's in my dreams

it's the monsters i conjure, it's the marijuana

it's embarassment, displacement, it's where i wander

it's my genre, it's madonna's videos

it's game shows, cheap liquor, blunts 
and bumper stickers with rainbows

it's angels, demons, gods, it's the white devils

it's the monitors, the soundman, it's the fucking mic levels

it's gas fumes, fast food, tommy hil' and mommy's pill

it's columbia house music club, designer drugs and rhyming thugs

it's bloods, crips, fives, six
 it's stick up kids

it's christian conservative terrorists, it's porno flicks

it's the east coast, no it's the west coast

it's public schools, it's asbestos

it's mentholated, it's techno

it's sleep, life, and death

it's speed, coke, and meth

it's hay fever, pain relievers, oral sex, and smokers breath

it stretches for as far as the eye can see

it's reality, fuck it, it's everything but me...

I'd Like To Have A Word With You

hey cameron, stop reading my blog.

ruth too.

The Cars And Freeways

i dazzle myself sometimes. one day i find out i am likely pregnant, the next i see my therapist stoned. my face is disgusting from picking at it constantly. but he still thinks i am beautiful. a small part of me wants to be pregnant. i have the entire dream in my head and i love it. walking down the street hand in hand pushing the stroller. we would be adorable. money would be a problem, as would our ages..but there are plenty of people in worse situations that can make it work.



the other part of me is scared out of my mind. i don't want my life to end here. there is so much i still want to do. what about art school and moving to new york. all my dreams would be unattainable. i want to spend a year in italy. having a baby at 18 years old would not be a step in the right direction to reach those goals.



on the cameron front, i still have my box of memories. but i finally deleted his messhuga album off of my computer. i had a dream about him a few nights ago. i wish more than anything that i could just get over him already. but i can't. don't get me wrong, i love Frank but i can NOT seem to get over cameron. I want to more than anything. Everywhere I turn is something that reminds me of him. everytime i log on to facebook, i see him making friends at school and living life. but he is everywhere. i don't know what to do.