Love Love Me Do

so i did a project for a group i am in.
we take a camera everywhere with us for 24 hours and take pictures of it.
i decided to do mine on valentines day.

and this is the result.
enjoy.



well i woke up in a mess because i was up all night finishing cameron's valentines day present.



then i drank some coffee and watched one of my favorite movies




then my babyy brought me flowers. it was so sweet.




and my other baby liked them too.



then i took a shower while i listened to good music.




while i was in the shower, i got a delivery.





then, i went to group therapy and we went out for pizza.




when i got home cameron came and took me out to dinner.




then we got gas and came back to my house.






the entire day was absolutely amazing.

When I Woke Up

i wrote this for piece of art i created last night.
i have created a lot but i think i am the proudest of this particular one.
my scanner is broken so i can't upload the actual page
but here is the story.




When I woke up in the morning,
Screaming, crying, sweating.
It was in that moment that I knew..
As long as I was living,
I would be living in fear.

I looked over my shoulder,
I saw the monster that infects my dreams.
At night, he sings softly in my ear.
He tells me I am beautiful.
I am his muse.

One night, he took me to the cemetery.
It was there that he showed me my future.
I was frightened, but he held my hand.

The next night, it happened again.
But this time, I did not wake up.
I was no longer afraid.

coming and going

wow. i haven't updated on here in a while.

i am doing incredible.

i have come so far in just a year.

i am no longer stuck in suicidal hole.
i haven't purged in over 3 months.
i haven't cut in a few weeks.

i have been out of the hospital for over a year and i am happier than i can ever remember being.



i am slowly backing off on my meds.
i am seeing my psychiatrist and nutritionist only once a month and i am healthy.

i know i am not perfect, but i feel like i am finally taking the steps i have needed to take for years.

i hope one day i can be an inspiration to people who are in the same place i was a year ago.



so since this year has begun some things have happened

trainspotting (the book) has been steadily changing my life.



pretty much everyone forgot my birthday.
and even if they had not, i was sick so i couldn't do anything.

i had a nightmare that cameron killed himself last night and no one cared how i felt.



i got across the universe on tuesday and have watched it 24 times since.




we got the house i wanted and are moving next weekend.
i can crawl onto the roof from my window
and it is walking distance from camerons.

life is good right this second.

can we take a ride

Once on a yellow piece of paper with green lines
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Chops"
because that was the name of his dog
And that's what it was all about
And his teacher gave him an A
and a gold star
And his mother hung it on the kitchen door
and read it to his aunts
That was the year that Father Tracy
took all the kids to the zoo
And he let them sing on the bus
And his little sister was born
with tiny toenails and no hair
And his mother and father kissed a lot
And the girl around the corner
sent him a valentine signed with a row of X's
and he had to ask his father what the X's meant
And his father always tucked him in bed at night
And was always there to do it



Once on a piece of white paper with blue lines
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Autumn"
because that was the name of the season
And that's what it was all about
And his teacher gave him an A
and asked him to write more clearly
And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because of its new paint
And the kids told him
that Father Tracy smoked cigars
And left butts on the pews
And sometimes they would burn holes
That was the year his sister got glasses
with thick lenses and black frames
And the girl around the corner laughed
when he asked her to go see Santa Claus
And the kids told him why
his mother and father kissed a lot
And his father never tucked him in bed at night
And his father got mad
when he cried for him to do it.



Once on a paper torn from his notebook
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Innocence: A Question"
because that was the question about his girl
And that's what it was all about
And his professor gave him an A
and a strange steady look
And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because he never showed her
That was the year that Father Tracy died
And he forgot how the end
of the Apostle's Creed went
And he caught his sister making out on the back porch
And his mother and father never kissed
or even talked
And the girl around the corner
wore too much makeup
That made him cough when he kissed her
but he kissed her anyway
because that was the thing to do
And at three A.M. he tucked himself into bed
his father snoring soundly



That's why on the back of a brown paper bag
he tried another poem
And he called it "Absolutely Nothing"
Because that's what it was really all about
And he gave himself an A
and a slash on each damned wrist
And he hung it on the bathroom door
because this time he didn't think
he could reach the kitchen.

quit playing games with my heart

my mind plays tricks on me.

i think it is a combination of romance, hollywood, and a wild imagination.

i wish i could change it.



what happens is that i always expect the best in every situation.

for example:

my birthday was on tuesday.

my dad had told me that he had made plans for us.

my mind immediately runs wild.

i imagine this magical scene where he plans this party with all of my friends and cameron is there with a present.

it is like a dream.



i obviously knew that none of that was going to happen in a million years.
but i couldn't help it.

i think it's all the movies i watch.

life isn't a fucking fairy tale.

but my mind seems to think it's possible.

it builds me up, then i am ALWAYS disappointed.

and i don't know how to change it.

they don't love you like i love you

so anyone who has been around me for more than 5 minutes knows the huge crush i have on joseph gordon-levitt.

let me put up another picture since it is my blog and i can do whatever i want.



well ok, he is much more than a pretty face.

he chooses roles that actually mean something.

manic changed my life.

this is the plot line according to internet movie database:

Lyle Jensen is subject to sudden and violent outbursts, and he is committed to the juvenile wing of the Northwood Mental Institution. Several other youths are there with a variety of serious problems. Lyle interacts with other patients and staff on a human, and sometimes not so human level. The psychological problems of the patients also forms the fabric by which we see what's right with them, and what's wrong with the society that affects them.



until i saw this movie, i thought being in a mental hospital meant what hollywood made it out to be. like, girl, interrupted and one flew over the cucu's nest.
but when i went into one, it was nothing like that.
upon seeing this movie after i was discharged, i didn't feel so alone.
i understood what every single one of these people were going through. whether it was me personally or someone i met while i was there, everything was covered in this movie.

and joseph's acting is infallible.



mysterious skin is even more intense than the former.

although i cannot relate as much, seeing as how it mainly deals with homosexuality, i still find a way to connect.

i know what it's like when a moment in your life haunts you for days, months, years..and that is what this movie is about.

we all deal with traumas differently.

the two boys in this movie are both dealing with a certain event that happened during their childhood.
one can't remember. his mind subconsciously blocked it all out.
the other was forever scarred and it changed his life dramatically.



it is a very hard movie to watch because it is so graphic.
but after you do, you will never be the same.




he also started a website.

hitrecord

basically, it is a place where people can simply express themselves.

whether it be through pictures, or short films, or writing.
he has posted numerous videos with heart.
the website is the epitome of the word "art."

you should check it out.



and these, among countless others, are reasons why joseph gordon-levitt changed my life.

and i will forever love him.

this is getting over you

i found this and fell in love.
i didn't write this, but i wish i did.



Believe.
Some people believe in Jesus and God.
Some people believe in Buddha or whoever they choose.
Some people believe in Heaven and Hell and Angels and the Devil.
Some people believe in making a lot of money and having the "dream life".
Some people believe in war.
But I believe in other things.
I believe in helping others out.
I believe in smiles and laughter.
I believe in words and their power to save lives.
I believe in bands and everyone who is just getting by.
I believe in the smalls of backs and watching movies till your eyes burn.
I believe in staying up all night and sleeping in all day.
I believe in long car rides and fresh air.
I believe in Anthony Green and his music ways.
I believe in my family and everything they do.
I believe in passion over practicality.
I believe in questioning those who don't want to be.
I believe in acting out and drawing attention.
I believe in long conversations.
I believe in reading blogspots and then realizing your still the same.
I believe in going out by staying in.
I believe in the sun and the stars and everyone who loves them as much as I do.
I believe in supporting good causes without reasons besides the fact that it just seems right.
I believe in protecting the ones you love.
I believe in bee stings and everything that has to do with pain.
I believe in St. Patrick's Day and spending time with your family.
I believe in being young.
I believe in staying true to yourself.
I believe in my bestfriend.
I believe in you.



meanwhile, in my own life, i find myself being forced to start over.

all of my friends, for one reason or another, have deserted me.
i believe i have one left and she is never available.

i moved back to be closer to these friends i don't have anymore.

so i have to start fresh.
i have to move on.
it is long over due.

i hope you have fun with your new girlfriend.
but i can't look at you anymore without crying.

i hope you have fun with your new best friend and i wish you the best.

i hope none of you will forget all the times we spent together.
preferably the good ones only.