is that my blood or hers?

"It's the same old story. Boy finds girl, boy loses girl, girl finds boy, boy forgets girl, boy remembers girl, girls dies in a tragic blimp accident over the Orange Bowl on New Year's Day."





my good friend hates that i am with my boyfriend.
she used to date him then she cheated on him and broke up with him.
she now hates him.
yet she was the one who told him to ask me out.
now everytime his name comes up she gets disgusted.
we don't talk as much as we used to.



one part of me is sad about that. the other is relieved because i am sick of her talking about him like that.

i don't want to have to choose between the two.
all i know is that frank makes me happier than i can ever remember being.




i have been watching house of 1000 corpses and the devil's rejects for two days straight.
it is the kind of movie people watch and cringe.
the only thing that scares me is that i do not even blink when i think of the disgusting things people can do to each other.
sane people would have some kind of reaction to seeing people being tortured.
if i do react, it is because i like it a little too much.
i want to be like baby.

are you really sure?

things have been shot to hell.



i am depressed.
i pull my hair out by the chunk.
i pick at my skin until it bleeds and i look disgusting.
i spend loads of money that i will soon run out of.
i am apathetic about everything.



but i have frank.
he is amazing.
ha is turning out to be one of the best things that have happened to me.
he is sooo sweet.



we actually spent an entire day like the above picture.
it was the happiest i have even been.
i hope things will go this well forever.

people call us renegades

so i had a lump removed from my breast yesterday.
i don't think i have ever been so scared in my entire life.
i burst into tears before i even took my shirt off.

i have amazing friends though.
when i woke up yesterday morning, i had about 8 text messages all saying i was going to be ok and i was loved.



and frank asked me out last night.
i woke up sad because i thought it was all a dream.
but it wasn't.
i have had a smile on my face a lot today.
i got to work and it has already been spread about the entire store.



i am completely addicted to sex and the city. i have always loved it. but i bought a couple of seasons on dvd the other day and i have no idea why i am just now becoming addicted. it's fun thinking of who each of them would be if they were people i really know.

my therapist is miranda.

we've pulled to many false alarms

chelsea said he asked about me. i saw him walking down my street. how hollywood is that shit? there is a huge hole in my life.



sometimes i feel like this dog laying next to me is the only one i can count on. she completes me. however, she is really sick and old and i know if i put my whole existence into her life, i will soon crash and burn. i am not a pessimist but i am trying to, for once, get a hold on reality. i can not depend on anything.



my eating disorder is back. i didn't even plan it this way. slowly i have been drinking more coffee and smoking more cigarettes and at the end of the day i have had no food. i have gained a lot of weight so maybe this is a good thing. i am a broke bum sucking up to my parents so they can support my lazy ass. what is the point? i am so apathetic it makes me sick.




Heroin, be the death of me
Heroin, its my wife and its my life
Because a mainer to my vein
Leads to a center in my head
And then Im better off and dead




no i do not shoot up heroin. i have just been listening to that song a lot lately. for me heroin is a symbol for something less tangible. like my depression or something. could be. maybe not.



I dont know just where Im going
But Im gonna try for the kingdom, if I can
cause it makes me feel like Im a man
When I put a spike into my vein
And Ill tell ya, things arent quite the same
When Im rushing on my run
And I feel just like jesus son
And I guess that I just dont know

Oh So Elegant

moving on is turning out to be the hardest thing i have ever even DREAMT about doing.
me and cameron have been apart for about a month now.
at first, i was angry.

the anger has worn off and i am sinking in to depression.
i miss everything about him.
i know he used to read these. part of me hopes he still does.
part of me hopes he thinks i am being strong. i know that's what he wanted.

I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
She will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood

-where i stood missy higgins




i found a lump in breast.
i went to the doctor today and she referred me to another woman, who i am seeing on wednesday.
i have never been so scared before.

at one point i was cutting myself to see how much blood i could draw.
making myself throw up until i saw blood.
taking pills in hopes of not feeling anything anymore.

but i am genuinely scared i might have something wrong with me.
something i can't control.

i think i am scared cameron won't know that i could be really sick.
i need him now.
i need him to hold me and tell me it will be ok.
that it's nothing that he won't leave my side.



i am to a point where i don't know what to do with anything.
i don't know what step i need to take now.
i don't know how to get out of this hole.

i'll never bow down at your feet

wow. it has been a really long time.

until today, i have been cut/purge free.

about half an hour ago. i cut a lot.
i am currently bingeing.

cameron dumped me about a week ago. yet still tells me he is going to marry me and have kids with me.
however, he shared some information with me.
he is dating lizzy again.




FUCK EVERYTHING.

i told cameron i would not cut anymore. he said he didn't want to deal with it.
he said a while ago that we would be over if i started again.

now what?
i can cut all i want and he can't do a damn thing.
i have nothing to lose anymore.




i don't give a fuck about anything.
as of a few hours ago, i don't care.

nothing is worth it.
people will just let you down.
and you will still have to get up and go to work the next morning.

well now, i don't care.
so i don't finish school, big deal.
so i die really really young, who cares.
everyone will forget soon enough.

Love Love Me Do

so i did a project for a group i am in.
we take a camera everywhere with us for 24 hours and take pictures of it.
i decided to do mine on valentines day.

and this is the result.
enjoy.



well i woke up in a mess because i was up all night finishing cameron's valentines day present.



then i drank some coffee and watched one of my favorite movies




then my babyy brought me flowers. it was so sweet.




and my other baby liked them too.



then i took a shower while i listened to good music.




while i was in the shower, i got a delivery.





then, i went to group therapy and we went out for pizza.




when i got home cameron came and took me out to dinner.




then we got gas and came back to my house.






the entire day was absolutely amazing.