Have You Ever Been Blue?

the following is taken straight from my sketchbook diary.



monday november 19, 2007

I watched girl, interrupted today and I was reminded why it is my favorite movie. I think the reason I love it so much is because I relate to it very well. Some of the monologues seem to make direct reference to me. Sometimes mine and Winona [Ryder]'s faces are interchangeable. She isn't sure what her sickness is about and neither do I.
When she is in Dr. Wick's office and brings up "ambivalence" I feel like they are talking about me.

"Do I stay or do I go?" "Am I sane or am I crazy?"

This has been a rough week. Not for any specific reason, but I actually told myself out loud that I don't want help. I don't want to get better. After weeks of not cutting, I cut. After months of not purging, I purged. Unlike in the past, I didn't hate it. I didn't regret it. I didn't hate myself. I didn't get caught.

This morning, I wasn't even depressed. I cut because I could. I did it because I couldn't think of a reason not to. I did it for the hell of it. I can still feel it burning and I like it. I was looking forward to lunch all day just so I could purge. I can't remember the last time I was excited to eat.

I think abot suicide all the time but don't think I could act on it because of all the people I would let down.



sometimes I feel like I care too much about other people's feelings. I decide on actions after carefully debating whether someone will get hurt or not.

they say suicide is the ultimate act of selfishness. but what if you have never been selfish in your life? I don't even know what that feels like.



sometimes I feel like a hypocrite for being a strong advocate for organizations like "To Write Love On Her Arms."

I would rather help everyone else in the entire world than help myself.

I donate money and spread the word of this anti-self injury organization, when I don't even feel like using them to help me. Kinda like competing in the Tour De France with no bicycle.

I can see my therapist for the rest of my life and never get one step closer to recovering. I have been given the tools, taught to use them but it will only work if I pick them up and use them.

I am at a point where I have been struggling to even pick them up and I am tired of trying so hard. Living in the midst of this habit is just so much easier than fighting it.

It has become a part of me. I don't know where my sickness ends and the real me begins anymore.

Going Through The Motions

binge.

purge.

starve.

binge.

hate myself.

binge.

purge.


i wish i had a time machine so i could go back to before we let vogue tell us how to look.

society wasn't always like this. during the time of mythology, being skinny was a sign that you were poor. you didn't have enough money to eat.

me, my mom and my dad were at the fine art museum the other day and we saw a statue of Venus, the god of beauty. My mom decided to open her mouth and announce that she did not find her attractive at all because she looked fat. My mom was bragging that she had a better body than the Greek god of beauty.




i remember when i found out about Bulimia-Nervosa. it was one of those school lectures about growing up. i remember thinking 'why would someone want to make themselves throw up?' I was sick a lot as a child. I have always had mild stomach olsers, so i threw up a lot against my will.

i just couldn't understand it.

but then i found myself caught in the hurricane that is an eating disorder and i understand why they do it.

it is like your insurance policy.

and you feel like hell afterward, but you can't stop.



stop telling us to give it up.
we can't.

Lately I've Been Measuring, Seems My Time Is Wearing Thin..

So after a year with anorexia-nervosa, I saw my first diatrition today. I liked her a lot but it really got me to thinking.
(whenever i say 'i've been thinking,' it's not a good thing.)

I have lost over 40 pounds within the past 6 months and people have just started noticing. They have just, within the past few weeks, started to say something.


'Have you lost weight?'
'You look great!'
'How did you do it?'
'Are you trying to wither away to nothing?'

To me, it's like they only say how bad it is after they label it. Nothing has changed, you just gave it a name.

Diets aren't bad. Anorexia is. But why?
Anorexia is a diet.
I agree, it is extreme. There is no denying that.

But a lot of things are extreme.
'Extreme' is a word. Look it up.

'Extreme' isn't a bad label. Calling something 'extreme' does not make it taboo.
Anorexia is taboo. But not the word 'Extreme'

But why is Anorexia taboo?

Did you know that overeating is an eating disorder as well? But no one goes into treatment centers for being fat. America is the fattest county in the world. And I live in Houston, Texas. Last year, Houston was the fattest city out of all the fat cities in the fattest country in the world. So why am I being fixed for being skinny?

What are the differences between these two pictures?




both are disgusting. So why isn't the woman in the second one being thrown into mental hospitals to be cured?

We both have health problems because of our food problem.

We can both have diabetes.
We can both have heart-related problems.
We can both have difficulty breathing.
We can both have trouble getting around.

So why is she getting laughed at while I am being medically treated?

We are both doing the same amount of damage to our bodies. Tell her to put down her supersized quarterpounder with extra cheese, and i will eat an apple.