Have You Ever Been Blue?

the following is taken straight from my sketchbook diary.



monday november 19, 2007

I watched girl, interrupted today and I was reminded why it is my favorite movie. I think the reason I love it so much is because I relate to it very well. Some of the monologues seem to make direct reference to me. Sometimes mine and Winona [Ryder]'s faces are interchangeable. She isn't sure what her sickness is about and neither do I.
When she is in Dr. Wick's office and brings up "ambivalence" I feel like they are talking about me.

"Do I stay or do I go?" "Am I sane or am I crazy?"

This has been a rough week. Not for any specific reason, but I actually told myself out loud that I don't want help. I don't want to get better. After weeks of not cutting, I cut. After months of not purging, I purged. Unlike in the past, I didn't hate it. I didn't regret it. I didn't hate myself. I didn't get caught.

This morning, I wasn't even depressed. I cut because I could. I did it because I couldn't think of a reason not to. I did it for the hell of it. I can still feel it burning and I like it. I was looking forward to lunch all day just so I could purge. I can't remember the last time I was excited to eat.

I think abot suicide all the time but don't think I could act on it because of all the people I would let down.



sometimes I feel like I care too much about other people's feelings. I decide on actions after carefully debating whether someone will get hurt or not.

they say suicide is the ultimate act of selfishness. but what if you have never been selfish in your life? I don't even know what that feels like.



sometimes I feel like a hypocrite for being a strong advocate for organizations like "To Write Love On Her Arms."

I would rather help everyone else in the entire world than help myself.

I donate money and spread the word of this anti-self injury organization, when I don't even feel like using them to help me. Kinda like competing in the Tour De France with no bicycle.

I can see my therapist for the rest of my life and never get one step closer to recovering. I have been given the tools, taught to use them but it will only work if I pick them up and use them.

I am at a point where I have been struggling to even pick them up and I am tired of trying so hard. Living in the midst of this habit is just so much easier than fighting it.

It has become a part of me. I don't know where my sickness ends and the real me begins anymore.

There's Nothing Like A Trail Of Blood To Find Your Way Back Home

I admire Nikki Sixx with every fraction of my soul.

He ran away from home when he was 17 and fell victim to heroin addiction.

When he was younger, he helped found Mötley Crüe. They were very well known for their fast lifestyle. The are forever in the history books under the definition of "Party Hard."

On the night of December 23, 1987, Sixx was declared dead after an overdose. He was revived by the paramedics (think Pulp Fiction).

Soon after the band decided to all go to rehab to achieve sobriety.

Nikki has stuck to his decision and is an active speaker on drug addiction and getting help. He even collaborated with Covenant House and created a charity called "Running Wild In The Night". It's purpose is to help troubled youth living on the street to get back on the street.

"Covenant House provides a variety of services to homeless youth including health care, education, vocational preparation, drug abuse treatment and prevention programs, legal services, recreation, mother/child programs, transitional living programs, street outreach and aftercare."



Nikkie even wrote a memoir, "The Heroin Diaries: A Year in the Life of a Shattered Rock Star" and includes excerpts from his actual diary during the time of his descent.

Along with the book, there is a soundtrack. I usually have it on repeat and after a thousand times, I still find myself crying sometimes.


And they haven't been crouched naked under a Christmas tree
with a needle in their arm like an insane person in a mansion in Van Nuys.
They're not out of their minds, they're not writing in a diary,
And they're definitely not watching their holiday spirit coagulate in a spoon.
-XMas in Hell



I, personally, have never experienced anything like this, nor do I know anyone who has. But somehow, I understand and I can relate. The opening track on the album is an introduction. It is simply Nikki speaking to the listener about how bad things had gotten.

I didn't speak to a single person today.
I figured why should I ruin their fucking Christmas.

I know how if feels when you don't want to bother them. Who am I to have the right to bring them down? I still struggle with this. Especially with my family. When you hit rock bottom, you are no longer only hurting yourself. Everyone around you is affected and that alone, has allowed me to take a few steps in the direction to my recovery.



Pray for me,
If you love me.
Cross your heart and hope that I wont die before the best day of my life.
Just pray for me tonight.

Now i'm hitting the wall and she begs me to quit,
And she drags me to church but i'm scared to commit,
And i'm loosing my mind 'cause she hides all my shit.
She wont go away.

I know how it feels when the people around you try to save you. We aren't broken, they can't fix us. My family often makes me feel guilty for the way I feel, almost as if they think it will help me stop. Saying to an addict of any kind "Just Stop. Don't do this ever again", will, in 99.9% of the time, not do any good at all.




Day one. Dope free. I went to the clinic today and got the first dose of methadone.
I'm out of dope so I threw away all my rigs.
Day two. I can't believe it's been two days without junk.
Fucking smack, it just ruins peoples' lives.
At first it seems so sweet, then you wake up next to a monster.
Day three. I haven't had anything for three days now.
This withdrawal is killing me. It's like shock therapy to my guts.
Day four. Last visit to the clinic. My whole body feels like it's cracking into pieces.
Fragile doesn't even come close to describing how I feel.
Day five-- I'm sick as a dog, but this handful of painkillers
and a lotta whiskey's gonna get me through.
Day six-- When I'm left to my own devices I go fucking insane.
I'll never use heroin again.
Day seven-- I can't believe I'm clean!
Day eight-- Everyone says I look better--
Day nine-- The parasites are panicking--
Day ten-- They seem amazed that I'm alive!



Nikki Sixx is everything I want to be.
He gives me hope to survive.
He is my proof that there is hope and it can get better than this.
He gives me hope that things will change.
He tells me that this isn't the end.
He tells me that Life Is Beautiful.

And hopefully one day, I can believe him.