Have You Ever Been Blue?

the following is taken straight from my sketchbook diary.



monday november 19, 2007

I watched girl, interrupted today and I was reminded why it is my favorite movie. I think the reason I love it so much is because I relate to it very well. Some of the monologues seem to make direct reference to me. Sometimes mine and Winona [Ryder]'s faces are interchangeable. She isn't sure what her sickness is about and neither do I.
When she is in Dr. Wick's office and brings up "ambivalence" I feel like they are talking about me.

"Do I stay or do I go?" "Am I sane or am I crazy?"

This has been a rough week. Not for any specific reason, but I actually told myself out loud that I don't want help. I don't want to get better. After weeks of not cutting, I cut. After months of not purging, I purged. Unlike in the past, I didn't hate it. I didn't regret it. I didn't hate myself. I didn't get caught.

This morning, I wasn't even depressed. I cut because I could. I did it because I couldn't think of a reason not to. I did it for the hell of it. I can still feel it burning and I like it. I was looking forward to lunch all day just so I could purge. I can't remember the last time I was excited to eat.

I think abot suicide all the time but don't think I could act on it because of all the people I would let down.



sometimes I feel like I care too much about other people's feelings. I decide on actions after carefully debating whether someone will get hurt or not.

they say suicide is the ultimate act of selfishness. but what if you have never been selfish in your life? I don't even know what that feels like.



sometimes I feel like a hypocrite for being a strong advocate for organizations like "To Write Love On Her Arms."

I would rather help everyone else in the entire world than help myself.

I donate money and spread the word of this anti-self injury organization, when I don't even feel like using them to help me. Kinda like competing in the Tour De France with no bicycle.

I can see my therapist for the rest of my life and never get one step closer to recovering. I have been given the tools, taught to use them but it will only work if I pick them up and use them.

I am at a point where I have been struggling to even pick them up and I am tired of trying so hard. Living in the midst of this habit is just so much easier than fighting it.

It has become a part of me. I don't know where my sickness ends and the real me begins anymore.

Like A Living Disaster

I lay quiet
waiting for her voice to say
"Some things you lose and some things you just give away"



Watch me lose her
It's almost like losing myself
Give her my soul
and let them take somebody else get away from me



Called her over
and asked her if she was improving
She said "feels fine" it's wonderful wonderful here



Curse me sold her
The poison that runs it's course through her
Pale white skin with strawberry gashes all over all over



Turn her over
A candle is lit, I see through her
Blow it out and save all her ashes for me



Scold me failed her
If only I'd held on tighter to her
Pale white skin that twisted and withered away from me away from me





I survived a suicide attempt about a year ago.

i am not going to preach to you about how my eyes are open to a brand new view of life.
sometimes i still wish i didn't survive.

but the hardest part was having to come home and see the disappointment in my friends and family.
i understand how they feel.



if you are scared for someone you know, talk to them. talk to someone.
tragedy can be prevented.

there have been several occasions when i have relapsed and thought about trying again.
my friends have saved me.

sometimes, all we need is someone to talk to us.
we need someone to listen to us.
we need someone to understand us.
we need a friend.

At Your Funeral

last wednesday, my uncle committed suicide.

i can count the times i met him on one hand, but i had a really hard time at his funeral today.



i didn't know what had happened until after the service. and when i realized it was a suicide everything was different.

i would be lying if i said it didn't bring back suicidal thoughts in my head.

i saw his mother and brother crying, and i felt for them.
the world lost a great man.



the service was in remembrance of the wonderful life he led and to reflect on the good memories.

it made me think that when i die, however and whenever that may be, i can be remembered for the good i did.
the worries that fill my head after that thought are along the lines of 'would anyone really come to my funeral?' or 'would anyone even notice or care if i died?'



Nikki Sixx said that attending a funeral made him feel alive. it made him see how beautiful life is and changed him.

this funeral did the exact opposite for me.

it made me feel even more dead inside. more hopeless.

my uncle was 46 and his death showed me something..

what if it isn't going to get any better?
what if i am going to be this sad forever?
what if i spend the rest of my life wishing i were dead?

Un suicide élégant est l'oeuvre d'art finale

cleopatra & antony
sid & nancy
romeo & juliet

love & suicide



just in case we aren't all clear on the story, romeo and juliet were in love but their families hated each other and forbade them from being together. so they devised a plan to fake juliet's death so no one would notice she was gone when she ran away with romeo.
well Romeo went to see her and thought she was really dead and his heart shattered. He couldn't go on without her. So he committed suicide right there in the mausoleum next to her body.
when Juliet woke up, her heart shattered at the sight of her lover's dead body on the ground. So she also committed suicide so she wouldn't have to live with the pain. now they can be together forever.



suicide is one of the biggest taboos in society today, so why is the actions of Romeo and Juliet considered one of the most romantic things to be done. giving up your life for someone is the greatest act of affection.

but society contradicts itself.

don't get me wrong, i am not telling all the young couples in the world to go commit suicide together.
all i'm saying is that i don't understand why no one wants to mention suicide. (seriously of course; because we have no problem joking about it)

why is suicide the ultimate form of selfishness and the ultimate sin and sooo horrible, yet is a vital detail in the ultimate love story.





if romeo and juliet had not acted as they had, they wouldn't be as remembered as they are now.
if they hadn't died, they would just be some old couple hiding because they are still afraid of their parents finding out.

where is the romance in that?
where is the bravery in that?



moving on.

sid and nancy.



sid and nancy's story is similar to that of romeo and juliet. sid is a bad-ass rockstar and nancy is a heroin addict groupie. but someway or another, they fall in love and nancy becomes responsible for turning sid onto drugs.

nancy is considered by people who knew her to be the single most annoying person in history. (this is evident if you watch the movie) Sid's friends couldn't stand her and Nancy's family couldn't stand either of them. but they didn't care about what the others told them. they stayed together.

the drugs got really bad and one night Nancy turns up dead in room 100 of the Chelsea Hotel in NYC. Sid is the prime suspect. (I personally don't believe he did it, but the case is still open) Later he was found dead with a suicide note in his pocket.

WE HAD A DEATH PACT I HAVE TO KEEP MY HALF OF THE BARGAIN. PLEASE BURY ME
NEXT TO MY BABY....




Obviously, Sid and Nancy's relationship had a few problems. But the story is the same.

Two people love each other but the world is against them.



"Love of mine some day you will die
But I'll be close behind
I'll follow you into the dark"

-Death Cab For Cutie




Now that you're gone, I feel the pain
My heart trembles, I call your name
I miss your touch, your soft blonde hair.
I keep searching for an answer, but, it just ain't there


She smiled at me as I held her carefully.
Her last words were "I love you", thought it set me free.
And I can't forget that look on her face
It looked like an angel as she died in my embrace

-The Ramones

What's So Great About This 'Life' Thing Anyway?

i was just sitting here thinking about life. i really don't see what the big deal is. my younger cousins' birthday is in two days and it made me think about why people give gifts for birthdays.

i decided something tonight.

we give presents (birthday, christmas, valentine's day) as an incentive to keep living.

i mean really, tell me one good thing about life?

you grow up going to school, which is hell on earth and you live with parents who are annoying and sometimes abusive and mean and everyone hates being a teenager.
(yet they say these are the best years of our lives)



you graduate high school and never see anyone ever again. college may be one big party...but it will get old. it's still school and the work is so much harder. not to mention that debt begins here. higher education is a little bit expensive. yet you can barely survive without it. not to mention, if your parents are like mine, there is no way out of it anyway since they force you to go.



so you graduate that. you have no money, a broken heart, a permanent hangover and a piece of paper that will serve no purpose in life at all. it will most likely be framed and either collect dust hanging on a wall or collect dust while sitting in a box somewhere.

lets say you get married. even less money in your name and a husband that you will fight with and will probably cheat on you anyway.




maybe you have kids. this means you have one big headache for the next eighteen years. you get fat and lose any traces of a social life you may have managed to keep this far.



jobs? you get a jerk for a boss and get underpaid for doing something that no one really cares about. talk to anyone of your parents with a desk job and i will give you a thousand dollars if they don't hate it or wish they could have followed their dreams to become a ballerina or an astronaut. still don't believe me? watch office space or fight club. or really any movie ever made...



all this said, i have still left out bills, in laws, taxes, the government, people better than you and disease. everywhere you look there is depression, aids, mental retardation, paralysis, anorexia, starving kids in africa, war, racism, suicide, drugs..need i go on?



the father three houses down might be raping his daughter. your principal might be kicking the shit out of his wife, the leader of your church might be having sex with your 3 year old son's friend from sunday school, the president might be passing laws and starting wars right after 4 lines of cocaine.



i don't understand why people are so determined to stay alive as long as they can.

the older you get, the more pain you are in. cancer, hearing loss, spouses dying, your kids hate you for what you did in the past, you spent thousands of dollars on rejuvinaters and plastic surgery and you still get old. you WILL get wrinkles and you WILL die eventually.

i'm not saying 'everybody, go kill yourselves' but i just wanted to vent about why i don't understand why people lie on their death beds full of regret. why they are so upset that they will never have to wake up to this nightmare ever again. why they will never be in anymore pain, no more heartbreak, no more tears, no more worry, no more fighting. they will finally be in peace, but they don't want it.

it doesn't make sense.



if you would be in my shoes for half an hour, you would see things the way i see things. i don't think having 'clinical depression' means you are sadder than normal, i think it simply means i am paying attention to the world.

98% of the people on this planet probably don't really have a purpose. you hear for the first 18 years of your life that everyone does, but most people die without ever accomplishing anything.


basically, what i am trying to say is that, in my opinion, life really isn't worth living. i don't see how anyone could possibly have anything that would make them want to stay here.



these are lyrics from the song 'knife called lust' by hollywood undead.


I look alive, I'm dead inside.
My heart has holes and black blood flows.
We'll do some drugs, well fall in love
and get fucked up while the world just shrugs.
With no thought Logically.
Were wondering the streets so aimlessly.
I hate to see these kids just being put down so painlessly.
And people say you
Dye your hair and wear tight jeans, that doesn't mean.
That you can't scream, or like loud noise,
you got a choice, you have a voice.
And just because you showed no love and hate on us
you fucked our trust.
Now watch we thrust this Knife Called Lust into my Chest until it Bust.


This love , This Hate
Is burning me away
It's hard to face that we're all the same
This love, This Hate
Is Burning me away


mad at the fact your dad is an addict,
your friend takes pills he thinks it cures sadness,
I'm not here to attack or make you kids panic,
but i just think it's tragic the way these kids have it.
and everybody sins and it all begins,
it goes back around, nobody ever wins.
and you stab yourself in the back,
EVERYBODY JUST RELAX! it all just hits so close to home,
we all got friends but we stand alone,
and your on your own from a broken home,
you keep the truth inside and it stays unknown.
Nostalgia hit and its time to quit,
and everybody acts like it don't mean shit.
and your friend will stab you just to fuck some girl,
put your hands in the air and scream FUCK THE WORLD!!!

Let go
I'll bring you closer
Right now
I'll hold on tightly
Let go
We're going no where
Somewhere
And things aren't over
Harder times like these!
Growing up on the streets!
Harder times like these!
I'll put you back on your feet!

And I fall to the ground with my teardrops
And I get lost every time my heart stops
This love this hate is burning me away