Like A Living Disaster

I lay quiet
waiting for her voice to say
"Some things you lose and some things you just give away"



Watch me lose her
It's almost like losing myself
Give her my soul
and let them take somebody else get away from me



Called her over
and asked her if she was improving
She said "feels fine" it's wonderful wonderful here



Curse me sold her
The poison that runs it's course through her
Pale white skin with strawberry gashes all over all over



Turn her over
A candle is lit, I see through her
Blow it out and save all her ashes for me



Scold me failed her
If only I'd held on tighter to her
Pale white skin that twisted and withered away from me away from me





I survived a suicide attempt about a year ago.

i am not going to preach to you about how my eyes are open to a brand new view of life.
sometimes i still wish i didn't survive.

but the hardest part was having to come home and see the disappointment in my friends and family.
i understand how they feel.



if you are scared for someone you know, talk to them. talk to someone.
tragedy can be prevented.

there have been several occasions when i have relapsed and thought about trying again.
my friends have saved me.

sometimes, all we need is someone to talk to us.
we need someone to listen to us.
we need someone to understand us.
we need a friend.

At Your Funeral

last wednesday, my uncle committed suicide.

i can count the times i met him on one hand, but i had a really hard time at his funeral today.



i didn't know what had happened until after the service. and when i realized it was a suicide everything was different.

i would be lying if i said it didn't bring back suicidal thoughts in my head.

i saw his mother and brother crying, and i felt for them.
the world lost a great man.



the service was in remembrance of the wonderful life he led and to reflect on the good memories.

it made me think that when i die, however and whenever that may be, i can be remembered for the good i did.
the worries that fill my head after that thought are along the lines of 'would anyone really come to my funeral?' or 'would anyone even notice or care if i died?'



Nikki Sixx said that attending a funeral made him feel alive. it made him see how beautiful life is and changed him.

this funeral did the exact opposite for me.

it made me feel even more dead inside. more hopeless.

my uncle was 46 and his death showed me something..

what if it isn't going to get any better?
what if i am going to be this sad forever?
what if i spend the rest of my life wishing i were dead?