At Your Funeral

last wednesday, my uncle committed suicide.

i can count the times i met him on one hand, but i had a really hard time at his funeral today.



i didn't know what had happened until after the service. and when i realized it was a suicide everything was different.

i would be lying if i said it didn't bring back suicidal thoughts in my head.

i saw his mother and brother crying, and i felt for them.
the world lost a great man.



the service was in remembrance of the wonderful life he led and to reflect on the good memories.

it made me think that when i die, however and whenever that may be, i can be remembered for the good i did.
the worries that fill my head after that thought are along the lines of 'would anyone really come to my funeral?' or 'would anyone even notice or care if i died?'



Nikki Sixx said that attending a funeral made him feel alive. it made him see how beautiful life is and changed him.

this funeral did the exact opposite for me.

it made me feel even more dead inside. more hopeless.

my uncle was 46 and his death showed me something..

what if it isn't going to get any better?
what if i am going to be this sad forever?
what if i spend the rest of my life wishing i were dead?

Life, Interrupted

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord my soul to keep;
And if I die before I wake,
I pray the Lord my soul to take.



no ranting, no complaining, no philosophy

tonight, i am simply existing.



so i'm a little sadder than usual tonight, oh well.

i can't remember ever feeling so alone on my entire life.
we were so close but things changed.
why doesn't he want to talk to me?
what did i do wrong?



yesterday he was holding me.
i have never felt so safe.
but it almost feels like it isn't worth the pain of my heart ripping when he leaves.
it gets worse every time.



i wonder how my eulogy will sound.
will anyone come to the funeral?
i would call them all hypocrites because they all deserted me in life.
will anyone grant my last wishes?
will anyone care?



i don't want to think this way anymore.
i don't want to hurt anymore.

Susanna: I didn't try to kill myself.
Dr. Potts: What were you trying to do?
Susanna: I was trying to make the shit stop.

-Girl, Interrupted



i don't want to miss you like this.
i want you here.
i want you to die.
i want you to leave him.
i want you to walk out.
i want you to walk back in.

Sweet Freedom

if you were to die tonight, would you be able to say you really lived?

i know i probably wouldn't.

i spend most of my time sitting on my couch watching tv and feeling sorry for myself.

there are a lot of shows i plan on going to, but refuse to go alone. if my friends can't make it, neither can i.
and then i come home and sit on the couch feeling sorry for myself.



i know i could have so much more fun in life.
i know that i shouldn't let other people stop me.
so my boyfriend can't make it..

...maybe my soul mate is going to be at the concert tonight.

maybe me being weak is ruining the rest of my life a little more with each bad decision i make.
i let my depression decide if i am going to sit home and binge or go out and have fun.



if we have to live anyway, why not have a good time?
why not enjoy the time we have here?
why not make friends and make memories?
why not act like idiots?
why not go on adventures?
why not live like a movie?
why not take chances?

<

so i go to a show alone.
so what.
i'm sure i won't be the only one.
i know there will be someone there i can hang out with.


so let's all take steps to break out of routine.
let's break out of our comfort zone.
let's make new friends.
let's be free.
let's stay up late with ice cream and our best friends.
let's change the world.

What's So Great About This 'Life' Thing Anyway?

i was just sitting here thinking about life. i really don't see what the big deal is. my younger cousins' birthday is in two days and it made me think about why people give gifts for birthdays.

i decided something tonight.

we give presents (birthday, christmas, valentine's day) as an incentive to keep living.

i mean really, tell me one good thing about life?

you grow up going to school, which is hell on earth and you live with parents who are annoying and sometimes abusive and mean and everyone hates being a teenager.
(yet they say these are the best years of our lives)



you graduate high school and never see anyone ever again. college may be one big party...but it will get old. it's still school and the work is so much harder. not to mention that debt begins here. higher education is a little bit expensive. yet you can barely survive without it. not to mention, if your parents are like mine, there is no way out of it anyway since they force you to go.



so you graduate that. you have no money, a broken heart, a permanent hangover and a piece of paper that will serve no purpose in life at all. it will most likely be framed and either collect dust hanging on a wall or collect dust while sitting in a box somewhere.

lets say you get married. even less money in your name and a husband that you will fight with and will probably cheat on you anyway.




maybe you have kids. this means you have one big headache for the next eighteen years. you get fat and lose any traces of a social life you may have managed to keep this far.



jobs? you get a jerk for a boss and get underpaid for doing something that no one really cares about. talk to anyone of your parents with a desk job and i will give you a thousand dollars if they don't hate it or wish they could have followed their dreams to become a ballerina or an astronaut. still don't believe me? watch office space or fight club. or really any movie ever made...



all this said, i have still left out bills, in laws, taxes, the government, people better than you and disease. everywhere you look there is depression, aids, mental retardation, paralysis, anorexia, starving kids in africa, war, racism, suicide, drugs..need i go on?



the father three houses down might be raping his daughter. your principal might be kicking the shit out of his wife, the leader of your church might be having sex with your 3 year old son's friend from sunday school, the president might be passing laws and starting wars right after 4 lines of cocaine.



i don't understand why people are so determined to stay alive as long as they can.

the older you get, the more pain you are in. cancer, hearing loss, spouses dying, your kids hate you for what you did in the past, you spent thousands of dollars on rejuvinaters and plastic surgery and you still get old. you WILL get wrinkles and you WILL die eventually.

i'm not saying 'everybody, go kill yourselves' but i just wanted to vent about why i don't understand why people lie on their death beds full of regret. why they are so upset that they will never have to wake up to this nightmare ever again. why they will never be in anymore pain, no more heartbreak, no more tears, no more worry, no more fighting. they will finally be in peace, but they don't want it.

it doesn't make sense.



if you would be in my shoes for half an hour, you would see things the way i see things. i don't think having 'clinical depression' means you are sadder than normal, i think it simply means i am paying attention to the world.

98% of the people on this planet probably don't really have a purpose. you hear for the first 18 years of your life that everyone does, but most people die without ever accomplishing anything.


basically, what i am trying to say is that, in my opinion, life really isn't worth living. i don't see how anyone could possibly have anything that would make them want to stay here.



these are lyrics from the song 'knife called lust' by hollywood undead.


I look alive, I'm dead inside.
My heart has holes and black blood flows.
We'll do some drugs, well fall in love
and get fucked up while the world just shrugs.
With no thought Logically.
Were wondering the streets so aimlessly.
I hate to see these kids just being put down so painlessly.
And people say you
Dye your hair and wear tight jeans, that doesn't mean.
That you can't scream, or like loud noise,
you got a choice, you have a voice.
And just because you showed no love and hate on us
you fucked our trust.
Now watch we thrust this Knife Called Lust into my Chest until it Bust.


This love , This Hate
Is burning me away
It's hard to face that we're all the same
This love, This Hate
Is Burning me away


mad at the fact your dad is an addict,
your friend takes pills he thinks it cures sadness,
I'm not here to attack or make you kids panic,
but i just think it's tragic the way these kids have it.
and everybody sins and it all begins,
it goes back around, nobody ever wins.
and you stab yourself in the back,
EVERYBODY JUST RELAX! it all just hits so close to home,
we all got friends but we stand alone,
and your on your own from a broken home,
you keep the truth inside and it stays unknown.
Nostalgia hit and its time to quit,
and everybody acts like it don't mean shit.
and your friend will stab you just to fuck some girl,
put your hands in the air and scream FUCK THE WORLD!!!

Let go
I'll bring you closer
Right now
I'll hold on tightly
Let go
We're going no where
Somewhere
And things aren't over
Harder times like these!
Growing up on the streets!
Harder times like these!
I'll put you back on your feet!

And I fall to the ground with my teardrops
And I get lost every time my heart stops
This love this hate is burning me away