Someday You Will Ache Like I Ache

i wonder if it's all my fault?
why am i never good enough?



i don't even know what i have gotten myself into.

i don't care about anything anymore.


things were fine. but then suddenly in a matter of 10 minutes, i come crashing down again.

i am trying so hard not to relapse.
usually when this happens, i would come to you.

but i can't this time.



i'm sorry for everything.

that i moved.
that i fucked up so many times.
that i didn't appreciate you.
that i didn't tell you the truth.
that i let you down.
that i let you get to me.

chelsea warned me about this.
i should have listened.
i told her it was going to be ok.
that we were both happy.

but i guess you could have been happier.

i should have fucking known when you started smoking again.
that was the red flag, wasn't it.

i saw it coming.
i don't think you realize how much you talk about her.

and at the park.
you said you might go to the concert with her. and you saw the jealousy.
you said i didn't have to worry.

and i believed you.



i did the best i could

Tangerine, Tangerine

Thinking how it used to be,
Does she still remember times like these?
To think of us again?
And I do.

Oh, myspace.

I found my ex-boyfriend's myspace a few days ago.

(scott)


after the breakup, it seemed we didn't really have anything to talk about.
so we slowly lost contact.

we broke up right before christmas 2 years ago.
the next january, i found the love of my life and i don't regret anything that happened between me and scott.

it has been a year since i last talked to him.
and seeing his myspace, looking at his pictures, it made me miss him.

not necessarily as a boyfriend, but just in my life in general.
he was funny.
he was a very good friend.
he cared about me a lot.

we shared a lot of really great memories.
and i miss having him around.

i miss his brother.
i miss him mom.
i miss his dog.
i miss his couch.
i miss his friends.



Measuring a summers day,
I only finds it slips away to grey,
The hours, they bring me pain.

as mentioned above, i found someone else after scott's departure.



it has proven to be the most ridiculous relationships in the history of ridiculous relationships.
but i love him with everything i am.

if i had to pick between never finding him and having scott as a friend now...

i would never see scott again.
no contest.

Tangerine, Tangerine,
Living reflection from a dream;
I was her love, she was my queen,
And now a thousand years between.

We Only Say Goodbye With Words

my entire world has gone downhill and i can't stop it.


i talked to him for hours last night.
i will never need heroin as long as i have him.

but sometimes i fell like it's a one sided thing.



i used to think the opposite.
i used to feel bad because i thought he was giving and giving and i was just taking.
but that isn't the case.


i am always the one that has to go out of my way for him.
he never has time for me.
so when he does, i pick up and drive an hour to see him.

i realize now that he doesn't understand how big of a deal that is.
gas, time..me and my parents give up a hell of a lot for me to be able to see him.



we always have to work around his schedule.
he is all i have, i don't have a schedule.

for example, i was on his side of town on saturday to see my family.
he was supposed to call me when he got off of work so we could do something.

he did and said that he was picking up his x-box from home and he had to go to this guys house because his family is out of town. he asked if he could go over there and then see if the three of us could do something.

(me and the other guy have a past. i don't have a problem with it but he obviously still feels guilty because he makes it really awkward.)



i say thats fine. whatever.

he calls back an hour later and says "yeah, will is really sick so we can't do anything."
so he plays x-box all night.

he calls back later and asks if he can see me the next day (sunday)
and says he will call me then.

>

so sunday, i wait for him to call all day.
ALL DAY.

i basically give up.
at like, 5:30 PM
he finally calls.

"i'm free until about 8:30 if you can still do something"

so i drop everything and run to him.
i drive an hour to be able to see him for 2.

and he doesn't even appreciate it.



last night i was talking to him on aim.
i am spilling my heart to him.
crying my eyes out.

all he has to say is "brb"
then he goes outside to smoke a joint.



it wasn't always like this.


so when is enough, finally enough?

Like A Living Disaster

I lay quiet
waiting for her voice to say
"Some things you lose and some things you just give away"



Watch me lose her
It's almost like losing myself
Give her my soul
and let them take somebody else get away from me



Called her over
and asked her if she was improving
She said "feels fine" it's wonderful wonderful here



Curse me sold her
The poison that runs it's course through her
Pale white skin with strawberry gashes all over all over



Turn her over
A candle is lit, I see through her
Blow it out and save all her ashes for me



Scold me failed her
If only I'd held on tighter to her
Pale white skin that twisted and withered away from me away from me





I survived a suicide attempt about a year ago.

i am not going to preach to you about how my eyes are open to a brand new view of life.
sometimes i still wish i didn't survive.

but the hardest part was having to come home and see the disappointment in my friends and family.
i understand how they feel.



if you are scared for someone you know, talk to them. talk to someone.
tragedy can be prevented.

there have been several occasions when i have relapsed and thought about trying again.
my friends have saved me.

sometimes, all we need is someone to talk to us.
we need someone to listen to us.
we need someone to understand us.
we need a friend.

How Long?

while you are away
my heart comes undone
slowly unravels
in a ball of yarn
the devil collects it
with a grin
our love
in a ball of yarn

he'll never return it



where is the line that says 'this has gone on long enough?'

how many broken hearts will it take to realize that mine can not be broken anymore?




how many times will i forgive and forget and regret?

how many times will i leave the one i really want for the one who is convenient?



how many times will i lead him on?

how many more friendships will i ruin because i want something more?



how many more mistakes will i make exactly like this one?

how many more hearts will be broken before i decide to do what my heart tells me and not just my mind?

how many times will i hurt myself with this fucking charade?



how many more tears will be shed?

how many more nights will be spent alone wondering what could have been?



how many more times will i second guess my decisions?

how many more lives will i scar?



how many more times will i push you away?

how many more days will i ruin?



how many more moods will be killed by me?

how many more times will i drown myself in nostalgia?

how many more sad songs will i write?

how many more sad songs will i relate too?



how many more years of therapy?

how long until i am happy with who i am with?


not until i am with you.

Un suicide élégant est l'oeuvre d'art finale

cleopatra & antony
sid & nancy
romeo & juliet

love & suicide



just in case we aren't all clear on the story, romeo and juliet were in love but their families hated each other and forbade them from being together. so they devised a plan to fake juliet's death so no one would notice she was gone when she ran away with romeo.
well Romeo went to see her and thought she was really dead and his heart shattered. He couldn't go on without her. So he committed suicide right there in the mausoleum next to her body.
when Juliet woke up, her heart shattered at the sight of her lover's dead body on the ground. So she also committed suicide so she wouldn't have to live with the pain. now they can be together forever.



suicide is one of the biggest taboos in society today, so why is the actions of Romeo and Juliet considered one of the most romantic things to be done. giving up your life for someone is the greatest act of affection.

but society contradicts itself.

don't get me wrong, i am not telling all the young couples in the world to go commit suicide together.
all i'm saying is that i don't understand why no one wants to mention suicide. (seriously of course; because we have no problem joking about it)

why is suicide the ultimate form of selfishness and the ultimate sin and sooo horrible, yet is a vital detail in the ultimate love story.





if romeo and juliet had not acted as they had, they wouldn't be as remembered as they are now.
if they hadn't died, they would just be some old couple hiding because they are still afraid of their parents finding out.

where is the romance in that?
where is the bravery in that?



moving on.

sid and nancy.



sid and nancy's story is similar to that of romeo and juliet. sid is a bad-ass rockstar and nancy is a heroin addict groupie. but someway or another, they fall in love and nancy becomes responsible for turning sid onto drugs.

nancy is considered by people who knew her to be the single most annoying person in history. (this is evident if you watch the movie) Sid's friends couldn't stand her and Nancy's family couldn't stand either of them. but they didn't care about what the others told them. they stayed together.

the drugs got really bad and one night Nancy turns up dead in room 100 of the Chelsea Hotel in NYC. Sid is the prime suspect. (I personally don't believe he did it, but the case is still open) Later he was found dead with a suicide note in his pocket.

WE HAD A DEATH PACT I HAVE TO KEEP MY HALF OF THE BARGAIN. PLEASE BURY ME
NEXT TO MY BABY....




Obviously, Sid and Nancy's relationship had a few problems. But the story is the same.

Two people love each other but the world is against them.



"Love of mine some day you will die
But I'll be close behind
I'll follow you into the dark"

-Death Cab For Cutie




Now that you're gone, I feel the pain
My heart trembles, I call your name
I miss your touch, your soft blonde hair.
I keep searching for an answer, but, it just ain't there


She smiled at me as I held her carefully.
Her last words were "I love you", thought it set me free.
And I can't forget that look on her face
It looked like an angel as she died in my embrace

-The Ramones

What's My Age Again?

today children, we are going to complain about the age of consent law.

specifically dealing with dating and the like.




i agree, 20 year old guys should not be dating 12 year old girls.

but i personally believe that if a sixteen year old girl has feelings for a twenty year old guy, what gives the government the rite to stop that.

i think as long as it is consentual there shouldn't be a problem.
i have spoken earlier about teen sex and how we are trying to be sheltered and caged and protected.

but what if that isn't what is best for us.
it certainly isn't what we want.



let's take a trip back in time, shall we?

my grandma was married at 16.
her grandma was married at 13.



love is love.
it knows no age, race, gender, whatever the fuck you want to censor next.

i'm sixteen and i love my boyfriend more than most wives love their husbands.

ashton kutcher married demi moore who is well over 20 years older than him.
extreme, but acceptable.
so why can't i date a guy 20 years older than me?

why does my age automatically set me apart from the rest of society.
i am probably more mature than most legal, college students. but they are better because they were born a few years before me? bullshit.