Mama, We All Go To Hell

i can't imagine what it feels like to have a daughter with mental illness.



i have drove my mother into a midlife crisis.

i am hesitant to even call her a mother anymore. she is trying to be a friend. she tries to buy my love. she lets me spend the night at random guys houses.
i know, where is the problem, right?

the problem is, it is 9:00 pm and she hasn't come home yet. she spends more time with her co-workers than she does with me. she has no problem with me doing things as long as it doesn't interfere with her 'Molly's Time'

(Molly's is the bar she now calls home)



All I have to do to get my license is prove to her that I am responsible enough to have it. But how can I do that if she is never around. If I had my fucking license, I wouldn't have to interfere with her precious Molly Time.

She takes me away from everything I know. All my friends. My boyfriend. Everything. And I can't even go visit them without her having to sacrifice her time and car and gas.

I have never been very fond of my mom. I started battling depression in third grade (after we moved for the millionth time) and all I really remember was wishing school wouldn't end so I wouldn't have to go home to her. I remember sitting in my room crying and ripping up pictures of her.

Everyone else loves her.
The sound of her voice makes me physically sick.

When I do something good for me, she makes me feel so fucking guilty about it because it was a slight inconvenience to her.

It feels like she doesn't care about my mental recovery anymore and just wants me to get better so she won't have to pay all the doctors and pharmacy bills.



she claims that she raised me in a christian home. in reality, the only christ-like example from her was driving me to church every sunday.

when i told her i didn't believe there was a god, all she could say is "what did i do wrong?"

fuck that.

Hush, now baby. Baby, don't you cry.
Momma's gonna make all of your nightmares come true.
Momma's gonna put all of her fears into you.
Momma's gonna keep you right here under her wing.
She won't let you fly, but she might let you sing.
Momma's gonna keep Baby cozy and warm.

people always say how lucky i am that i have a cool mom.
i say things like "yeah, i know"
but inside i am saying "i don't have one."

What Do You Have To Say For Your Self?

Admit it!
Despite your pseudo-bohemian appearance
And vaguely leftist doctrine of beliefs
You know nothing about art or sex
That you couldn’t read in any trendy New York underground fashion magazine

posers. oh my god.

Prototypical non-conformist
You are a vacuous soldier of the thrift store Gestapo
You adhere to a set of standards and tastes
That appear to be determined by an unseen panel of hipster judges (bullshit)
Giving a thumbs up or thumbs down to incoming and outgoing trends and styles of music and art
Go analog baby, you’re so post-modern
You’re diving face forward into a antiquated past
It’s disgusting, it's offensive, don’t stick your nose up at me

what makes looking the same as everyone else appealing?
so what if i want to wear what i want.
sorry if i am not indie/scene/hip/fake enough for you.



You spend your time sitting in circles with your friends
Pontificating to each other
Forever competing for that one moment of self-aggrandizing glory
In which you hog the intellectual spotlight
Holding dominion over the entire shallow pointless conversation
Oh, we’re not worthy

Max Bemis wrote this song that explains the entire scene fantastically.



Things have gotten so ridiculous. As if there is nothing more important than looking a certain way for no reason whatsoever. No one really cares except you and the other people who are just like you. I can't tell the two of you apart.

When you walk by a group of quote-unquote normal people
You chuckle to yourself patting yourself on the back as you scoff
It's the same superiority complex
Shared by the high school jocks who made your life a living hell
And makes you a slave to the competitive capitalist dogma
You spend every moment of your waking life bitching about




'Cause I’m proud of my life and the things that I have done
Proud of myself and the loner I’ve become
You’re free to whine, it will not get you far
I do just fine, my car and my guitar

I know a few of these assholes. They are extremely annoying.
Unfortunately, I have never been lucky enough to have been confronted by one, but I know what they think.
When I walk past them and their "friends" I see the looks they give me and I just have to smile.

Nothing makes me feel better than knowing I didn't conform when I woke up this morning.

Well let me tell you this, I am shamelessly self-involved
I spend hours in front of the mirror, making my hair elegantly disheveled
I worry about how this album will sell
Because I believe it will determine the amount of sex I will have in the future
I self medicate with drugs and alcohol to treat my extreme social anxiety

So thank you, Max Bemis.
Keep on doing what you are doing.
I love it.

My Name Is Leslie Ann Levine

the same uncle who recently committed suicide has a brother.

this brother has a daughter named Angel.

Angel is 14 years old.

A few days ago, Angel gave birth to a 2lb baby.

Angel's father did not know until two days before the birth. Angel had managed to keep the pregnancy a secret for 6 months. Not once did she see a doctor.

As far as I know, the baby is still alive.



what has the world come to?

she isn't even in high school yet.

i don't know the circumstances.
i don't know if she hooks up with random guys.
i don't know if she has a boyfriend.
i don't know if she was raped.

i just wish she would have told someone.
it isn't fair to the baby.



until this moment, I have not had an opinion on the abortion debate. It was one of the few things I honestly did not know where I stood on it.

but I do now.

Angel is too young to be a responsible mother.
This is no mystery.
That's life.

There is no way that this baby could have been born healthy unless she changed her mind and got help.
She couldn't do it alone.

Why should the baby have to pay for her mistake?

If I knew I could have saved that baby a life of medical problems and pain, I would have.

When an old person knows they are going to die, they just wish it would happen already. Why delay the inevitable? Why let the baby be born, suffer and then be sick for the rest of it's (short) life?



my name is leslie ann levine
my mother birthed me down a dry revine
my mother birthed me far too soon
born at nine and dead at noon

fifteen years gone now
i still wander this parapet
and shake my rattle bone
fifteen years gone now
i still cling to the petticoats
of the girl who died with me

The Lies We Weave Are Oh So Intricate

personally, i think pete wentz is a pompous ass.

i could go on all day about why i think this, but i am not going to.

but i can not deny his talent for writing lyrics.



i was one of the select few that listened to fall out boy before "sugar, we're going down"
did you know there was a fall out boy before that song?

well yeah, there was.



anyway, one of the reasons they are so popular (besides pete wentz's pompous-ness & nude photographs) is the quirky, catchy lyrics.

pete writes all the band's lyrics, while patrick does everything else.
but no one really cares about that (except for me and afore mentioned select few)

ANYWAY, yeah, Pete is either a really bad writer or a lyric genius (things like that are hard to discern).

"I got your love letters, corrected the grammar and sent them back.
It's true romance is dead, I shot it in the chest then in the head.">
-The Music Or The Misery


"When I said that I'd return to you I meant more like a relapse
Now and again I think "His and her's" "For better or worse"
But the only ring I want buried with me are the ones around my eyes"
-It's Hard To Say "I Do" When I Don't



"I'm the first kid to write of hearts, lies, and friends
And I am sorry my conscience called in sick again
And I've got arrogance down to a science

They call kids like us vicious and carved out of stone
But for what we've become, we just feel more alone
Always weigh what I've got against what I left
So progress report: I am missing you to death"
-I Slept With Someone In Fall Out Boy And I Got Was This Stupid Song Written About Me



Sometimes Pete's lyrics are downright ridiculous and dumb. Sometimes they don't make any sense. Sometimes they are funny. Sometimes they are ironic. But they are almost always metaphorical.

Lyricists are usually autobiographical writers, and I can imagine Peter being no exception. When he writes about his fucked up girlfriend leaving him because he is arrogant, I can see it happening.

"she took me down and said:
"boys like you are overrated. so save your breath."
loaded words and loaded friends
are loaded guns to our heads"
-Chicago Is So Two Years Ago

He also seems like the kind of guy who would sleep with numerous women because he wants to drown out the memories of the breaker of his heart.

"Sitting out dances on the wall
Trying to forget everything that isn't you
I'm not going home alone
Cause I don't do too well on my own"
-7 Minutes In Heaven



i think of Pete as any other guy who just wants to sleep with girls, make lots of money and see his name everywhere.

That isn't anything new. There are lots of people like that. But we all act on it in different ways.

I think Pete uses his autobiographical writing to make him seem like a troubled, transparent, sensitive soul.

However, I don't think troubled, transparent, sensitive souls date Ashlee Simpson and take pictures of their penis on their own phones.



Or maybe I am completely wrong and Pete Wentz is actually an amazing actor.

Like A Living Disaster

I lay quiet
waiting for her voice to say
"Some things you lose and some things you just give away"



Watch me lose her
It's almost like losing myself
Give her my soul
and let them take somebody else get away from me



Called her over
and asked her if she was improving
She said "feels fine" it's wonderful wonderful here



Curse me sold her
The poison that runs it's course through her
Pale white skin with strawberry gashes all over all over



Turn her over
A candle is lit, I see through her
Blow it out and save all her ashes for me



Scold me failed her
If only I'd held on tighter to her
Pale white skin that twisted and withered away from me away from me





I survived a suicide attempt about a year ago.

i am not going to preach to you about how my eyes are open to a brand new view of life.
sometimes i still wish i didn't survive.

but the hardest part was having to come home and see the disappointment in my friends and family.
i understand how they feel.



if you are scared for someone you know, talk to them. talk to someone.
tragedy can be prevented.

there have been several occasions when i have relapsed and thought about trying again.
my friends have saved me.

sometimes, all we need is someone to talk to us.
we need someone to listen to us.
we need someone to understand us.
we need a friend.

Please Don't Take Him Even Though You Can

i have always wished my name were Jolene.

you know, like the Dolly Parton song?

your beauty is beyond compare
with flaming locks of auburn hair
with ivory skin
and eyes of emerald green


that's me.

but lately, i have found myself in situations where i have the need to put myself in Dolly's shoes and sing to other girls.

ok, one specific girl
but you get the idea



she doesn't fit the description like me, she is actually pretty ugly.
and i didn't know about her until AFTER she stole my man.

but if i could go back in time, i would so sing this to her.



well I could easily understand
how you could easily take my man
but you don't know what he means to me, jolene

he helped me through a lot and i had liked him for a long time.
i sacrificed a lot to be with him.
but i guess i was replaceable.

i wonder if she even knew about me

Life's No Fun Without A Good Scare

when did halloween become national slut day?



i looked for rape statistics on the difference between halloween and the rest of the year, but i couldn't find anything.
therefore, i can not be sure that more people are sexually assaulted on halloween, but i certainly would not be surprised.



i am pretty sure when she put on her outfit, she wasn't expecting anything but a good time. going to a party with some friends.

she gets thirsty.



OH NO!

someone saw her in her cute costume and decided to spike her drink.

she ends up raped, maybe dead.


still worth a night of fun that you will never remember because of all the alcohol?




The origin of Halloween is that it was the one day of the year that the disembodied spirits of all those who had died throughout the preceding year would come back in search of living bodies to possess for the next year.
It was believed to be their only hope for the afterlife.
The Celts believed all laws of space and time were suspended during this time, allowing the spirit world to intermingle with the living.

Naturally, the still-living did not want to be possessed.
So on the night of October 31, villagers would extinguish the fires in their homes, to make them cold and undesirable.
They would then dress up in all manner of ghoulish costumes and noisily paraded around the neighborhood, being as destructive as possible in order to frighten away spirits looking for bodies to possess.



haunted houses are the best!