Baby, You're My Disease

Baby, baby when we first met
I never felt something so strong
You were like my lover and my best friend
All wrapped into one with a ribbon on it
And all of a sudden you went, left
I didn't know how to follow
It's like a shot that spun me around
And now my heart left
I feel so empty and hollow

I am a mess.
The human being growing inside of me won't let me eat without getting sick.
My doctor is concerned about weight loss.
My mom blames me. Saying I am trying to starve her grandchild.
I am so alone.

And I'll never give myself to another the way I gave it to you
Don't even recognize the ways you hurt me, do you?
It's gonna take a miracle to bring me back
And you're the one to blame

My bedroom floor is covered in hair I pulled from the top of my head.
The day before yesterday, I did not get out of bed until 5:00 pm.
Last night my shower lasted an hour and a half. All I did was sit and let the water fall on me while I cried.
When I told my psychiatrist I had thoughts of hurting myself, she asked if I wanted to hurt the baby.
I told her 'no' but I am not so sure now.

And now I feel like, oh you're the reason why I'm thinking
I don't wanna smoke on these cigarettes no more
I guess that's what I get for wishful thinking
I should've never let you enter my door
Next time you wanna go on and leave
I should just let you go on and do it
Cause now I'm using like I bleed
It's like I checked into rehab and
Baby, you're my disease

Finally, I spoke to him again.
I found out why Sunnie and Cory did not invite me to go with them this weekend.
Either it's because I am pregnant which means I don't like to have fun anymore.
Or because he would be there.

Half of me is glad I wasn't invited. The other half wants to go even more.

Ain't it crazy when you're love swept?
You'll do anything for the one you love
'Cause anytime that you needed me I'd be there
It's like you were my favorite drug
The only problem is that you was using me
In a different way that I was using you
But now that I know, it's not meant to be
You gotta go, I gotta ween myself off of you


What Goes Around

i talked to him.
it was one of the hardest things i have ever had to do.
my computer was messing up and i was logged into AIM on my friends name.
he thought he was talking to her.
i informed him he wasn't.

we decided to continue talking.
it was incredible.
but it just reminded me of how much i miss him.


It's My Birthday Too

so it's my birthday and i couldn't be more miserable.


I Don't Know You

I saw him on Friday. Sunnie finally got me out of bed and we went out to eat. After, we went to town center. I saw him there. I started crying. He asked how I was. I mumbled a "fine" and then I ran away. I ran to the bathroom and threw up. It was the first time I had seen him in months.

Sunnie told me he asked her what was wrong with me. Why had I ran away without even saying a word?

"Did you expect her to sit down and exchange pleasantries?"

I have come to terms with the fact that I have made a huge mistake. I never wanted Frank at all. I just didn't want to be alone. The one boy I ever loved had kicked me to the curb and I felt like trash. To this day I feel like trash.

I hardly ever leave the house anymore. I don't ever answer my phone. I don't talk to anyone. I determine a good day on wether I get out of bed or not. My OB/GYN asked if it was possible to decrease my meds. I told her no. If anything I need to increase them. But I can't. If I increase my meds it will hurt the baby. If I decrease them I will hurt myself.

I cry all the time.
I can't even explain it.


oh mother, be stronger

i'm pregnant. i'm pregnant. i'm pregnant.

it is quite possible that she was right all along. that boy was just there for me because i was not over cameron. i still am not. we haven't spoken in months. several months. we didn't end on good terms. i miss him so much. i have to hide it from everyone.

sunnie is friends with him again. it's not fair. why does she get to be close to him?

i'm keeping the baby. the boy doesn't know. i don't know how to tell him. i refuse to take him back.
my whole family is behind me. i owe them everything. my first doctors appointment tomorrow morning. i am scared and excited all at the same time. i still can't believe i am going to be a mother.


The Green Eggs Were Just Moldy

Dr. Seuss was a children's author.
When I was a child I would spend hours trying to figure out what he was saying. Now that I am older, it just seems he was really high.

I can read in red. I can read in blue.
I can read in pickle color too.
I can read in bed, and in purple, and in brown.
I can read in a circle and upside down.

-I Can Read With My Eyes Shut (1978)

The illustrations as well. Wow.


Love Is All You Need

I almost killed myself on Friday.
I was late for work and exiting the freeway.
I found myself fighting the urge to swerve and slam into the median.

I cut for the first time in months on Wednesday.
I broke up with my boyfriend on Thursday.
My dog won't let me sleep.
The new guy at work called me a bitch.
I realize I really am a cat person more than a dog person.