oh mother, be stronger

i'm pregnant. i'm pregnant. i'm pregnant.

it is quite possible that she was right all along. that boy was just there for me because i was not over cameron. i still am not. we haven't spoken in months. several months. we didn't end on good terms. i miss him so much. i have to hide it from everyone.

sunnie is friends with him again. it's not fair. why does she get to be close to him?

i'm keeping the baby. the boy doesn't know. i don't know how to tell him. i refuse to take him back.
my whole family is behind me. i owe them everything. my first doctors appointment tomorrow morning. i am scared and excited all at the same time. i still can't believe i am going to be a mother.


The Green Eggs Were Just Moldy

Dr. Seuss was a children's author.
When I was a child I would spend hours trying to figure out what he was saying. Now that I am older, it just seems he was really high.

I can read in red. I can read in blue.
I can read in pickle color too.
I can read in bed, and in purple, and in brown.
I can read in a circle and upside down.

-I Can Read With My Eyes Shut (1978)

The illustrations as well. Wow.


Love Is All You Need

I almost killed myself on Friday.
I was late for work and exiting the freeway.
I found myself fighting the urge to swerve and slam into the median.

I cut for the first time in months on Wednesday.
I broke up with my boyfriend on Thursday.
My dog won't let me sleep.
The new guy at work called me a bitch.
I realize I really am a cat person more than a dog person.


Don't You Give Me Your Love


I am reading this book.

Suze Rotolo was only a few years my senior when she experienced life. Really experienced life. Today at work I had a revelation. The power went out. The only sound was me and Matthew talking to keep each other company. We sat for what seemed like hours playing twenty questions. After what was only about 45 minutes, our boss started to come up and tell the customers to leave.


I could not wrap my head around the reason they were sitting at barnes and noble for almost an hour with no air and no lights and no coffee. None of this mattered. When my boss told this group of people to leave it blew my mind to hear them beg her to let them stay. Here we are in the middle of a storm and all I want is to go home and lay in my bed. They would rather stay at barnes and noble. So much that they bribe the manager to let them stay.


At that moment, my life flashed before my eyes. I knew I was not dying but it made me realize that I would rather die than live forever like I am now. If I ever become the kind of person who would rather be at barnes and noble than out living life, I don't want to live at all.


What's the point of living if you can't feel alive?
If I can grow up to be half the woman Suze was and is, I will be happy.



Is there anyone I can call?

The puppy I took into my home to help me get over Angel attacked me tonight. My dad heard me crying from downstairs. He ran up to pull her off of me. I was face down on top of my bed screaming for her to stop. Tears streaming down my face and arms trying to keep her away from me. All my mom could say is that it would be ok. All my dad said was I can't let her do that. Show her who's boss.

Looking back on this event that occurred about 20 minutes ago, I am reminded of something me and my therapist Lara discovered on tuesday. I put others wants ahead of my own needs. Penny Lane wanted to lick my face until i couldn't breathe and then chew on my arms and bite my face and stand on my body and hurt me. I need her to stop. Somewhere in the chain of events I rolled with the punches and went on self defense. Praying that someone could hear me. thankfully they could.

time is flying by around me. an hour is gone and i dont know where it is. I am still sitting here. it is all i can do to type.


All The Railroad Men Drink Up Your Blood Like Wine


coffee and cigarettes have become part of me. My lungs are black and my blood is brown. I find myself sitting in my house planning out the music I want played at my wedding and at my funeral. My mind does not exist past the year 1973. The coffee and cigarettes are lesser evil substitutes for heroin and whiskey. He just sits and watches my self destruction. He thinks he is letting me express myself, but only because he does not know what else to do.


As I sit alone on this couch with my dog by my side, Bob Dylan sings my soul back to me. Knockin' On Heaven's door brings me to tears. Penny Lane is sound asleep and I envy her ability to block the world out. I wish I could sleep. He paw twitches and I wonder what she dreams of. I wish I could dream.


And nobody has ever taught you how to live on the street.
And now you find out you're gonna have to get used to it.
You said you'd never compromise with the mystery tramp.
But now you realize he's not selling any alibis.
As you stare into the vacuum of his eyes,
And ask him do you want to make a deal?



Life Flows On, Within You and Without You

My best friend comes and goes. She is so beautiful and she has no idea. Her blue eyes melt my soul. I went to her house early one morning knowing she would still be asleep. I threw twigs i had found across her yard at her window after twenty phone calls she did not answer. When I finally got her out of bed, we curled up with her cats and smoked all day. It was a day of magic I have not felt in a long time. We sang along with George Harrison.

And life flows on within you and without you.
We were talking about the love that's gone so cold and the people,
Who gain the world and lose their soul.

What if soul mates are not necessarily lovers? Two people made for each other. One lacking what the other can provide. Completing each others sentences and incomplete when they are apart. One soul in separate bodies.


The List Goes On And On

it's the caffeine, the nocotine, the milligrams of tar

it's my habitat, it needs to be cleaned, it's my car

it's the fast talk they use to abuse and feed my brain

it's the cat box it needs to be changed, it's the pain

it's women, it's the plight for power it's government

it's the way you're giving knowledge 
slow with thought control and subtle hints

it's rubbing it it's itching it, it's applying cream

it's the foreigners sight seeing with high beams, it's in my dreams

it's the monsters i conjure, it's the marijuana

it's embarassment, displacement, it's where i wander

it's my genre, it's madonna's videos

it's game shows, cheap liquor, blunts 
and bumper stickers with rainbows

it's angels, demons, gods, it's the white devils

it's the monitors, the soundman, it's the fucking mic levels

it's gas fumes, fast food, tommy hil' and mommy's pill

it's columbia house music club, designer drugs and rhyming thugs

it's bloods, crips, fives, six
 it's stick up kids

it's christian conservative terrorists, it's porno flicks

it's the east coast, no it's the west coast

it's public schools, it's asbestos

it's mentholated, it's techno

it's sleep, life, and death

it's speed, coke, and meth

it's hay fever, pain relievers, oral sex, and smokers breath

it stretches for as far as the eye can see

it's reality, fuck it, it's everything but me...


I'd Like To Have A Word With You

hey cameron, stop reading my blog.

ruth too.


The Cars And Freeways

i dazzle myself sometimes. one day i find out i am likely pregnant, the next i see my therapist stoned. my face is disgusting from picking at it constantly. but he still thinks i am beautiful. a small part of me wants to be pregnant. i have the entire dream in my head and i love it. walking down the street hand in hand pushing the stroller. we would be adorable. money would be a problem, as would our ages..but there are plenty of people in worse situations that can make it work.

the other part of me is scared out of my mind. i don't want my life to end here. there is so much i still want to do. what about art school and moving to new york. all my dreams would be unattainable. i want to spend a year in italy. having a baby at 18 years old would not be a step in the right direction to reach those goals.

on the cameron front, i still have my box of memories. but i finally deleted his messhuga album off of my computer. i had a dream about him a few nights ago. i wish more than anything that i could just get over him already. but i can't. don't get me wrong, i love Frank but i can NOT seem to get over cameron. I want to more than anything. Everywhere I turn is something that reminds me of him. everytime i log on to facebook, i see him making friends at school and living life. but he is everywhere. i don't know what to do.


is that my blood or hers?

"It's the same old story. Boy finds girl, boy loses girl, girl finds boy, boy forgets girl, boy remembers girl, girls dies in a tragic blimp accident over the Orange Bowl on New Year's Day."

my good friend hates that i am with my boyfriend.
she used to date him then she cheated on him and broke up with him.
she now hates him.
yet she was the one who told him to ask me out.
now everytime his name comes up she gets disgusted.
we don't talk as much as we used to.

one part of me is sad about that. the other is relieved because i am sick of her talking about him like that.

i don't want to have to choose between the two.
all i know is that frank makes me happier than i can ever remember being.

i have been watching house of 1000 corpses and the devil's rejects for two days straight.
it is the kind of movie people watch and cringe.
the only thing that scares me is that i do not even blink when i think of the disgusting things people can do to each other.
sane people would have some kind of reaction to seeing people being tortured.
if i do react, it is because i like it a little too much.
i want to be like baby.


are you really sure?

things have been shot to hell.

i am depressed.
i pull my hair out by the chunk.
i pick at my skin until it bleeds and i look disgusting.
i spend loads of money that i will soon run out of.
i am apathetic about everything.

but i have frank.
he is amazing.
ha is turning out to be one of the best things that have happened to me.
he is sooo sweet.

we actually spent an entire day like the above picture.
it was the happiest i have even been.
i hope things will go this well forever.


people call us renegades

so i had a lump removed from my breast yesterday.
i don't think i have ever been so scared in my entire life.
i burst into tears before i even took my shirt off.

i have amazing friends though.
when i woke up yesterday morning, i had about 8 text messages all saying i was going to be ok and i was loved.

and frank asked me out last night.
i woke up sad because i thought it was all a dream.
but it wasn't.
i have had a smile on my face a lot today.
i got to work and it has already been spread about the entire store.

i am completely addicted to sex and the city. i have always loved it. but i bought a couple of seasons on dvd the other day and i have no idea why i am just now becoming addicted. it's fun thinking of who each of them would be if they were people i really know.

my therapist is miranda.


we've pulled to many false alarms

chelsea said he asked about me. i saw him walking down my street. how hollywood is that shit? there is a huge hole in my life.

sometimes i feel like this dog laying next to me is the only one i can count on. she completes me. however, she is really sick and old and i know if i put my whole existence into her life, i will soon crash and burn. i am not a pessimist but i am trying to, for once, get a hold on reality. i can not depend on anything.

my eating disorder is back. i didn't even plan it this way. slowly i have been drinking more coffee and smoking more cigarettes and at the end of the day i have had no food. i have gained a lot of weight so maybe this is a good thing. i am a broke bum sucking up to my parents so they can support my lazy ass. what is the point? i am so apathetic it makes me sick.

Heroin, be the death of me
Heroin, its my wife and its my life
Because a mainer to my vein
Leads to a center in my head
And then Im better off and dead

no i do not shoot up heroin. i have just been listening to that song a lot lately. for me heroin is a symbol for something less tangible. like my depression or something. could be. maybe not.

I dont know just where Im going
But Im gonna try for the kingdom, if I can
cause it makes me feel like Im a man
When I put a spike into my vein
And Ill tell ya, things arent quite the same
When Im rushing on my run
And I feel just like jesus son
And I guess that I just dont know


Oh So Elegant

moving on is turning out to be the hardest thing i have ever even DREAMT about doing.
me and cameron have been apart for about a month now.
at first, i was angry.

the anger has worn off and i am sinking in to depression.
i miss everything about him.
i know he used to read these. part of me hopes he still does.
part of me hopes he thinks i am being strong. i know that's what he wanted.

I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
She will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood

-where i stood missy higgins

i found a lump in breast.
i went to the doctor today and she referred me to another woman, who i am seeing on wednesday.
i have never been so scared before.

at one point i was cutting myself to see how much blood i could draw.
making myself throw up until i saw blood.
taking pills in hopes of not feeling anything anymore.

but i am genuinely scared i might have something wrong with me.
something i can't control.

i think i am scared cameron won't know that i could be really sick.
i need him now.
i need him to hold me and tell me it will be ok.
that it's nothing that he won't leave my side.

i am to a point where i don't know what to do with anything.
i don't know what step i need to take now.
i don't know how to get out of this hole.