Love Is All You Need

I almost killed myself on Friday.
I was late for work and exiting the freeway.
I found myself fighting the urge to swerve and slam into the median.

I cut for the first time in months on Wednesday.
I broke up with my boyfriend on Thursday.
My dog won't let me sleep.
The new guy at work called me a bitch.
I realize I really am a cat person more than a dog person.


Don't You Give Me Your Love


I am reading this book.

Suze Rotolo was only a few years my senior when she experienced life. Really experienced life. Today at work I had a revelation. The power went out. The only sound was me and Matthew talking to keep each other company. We sat for what seemed like hours playing twenty questions. After what was only about 45 minutes, our boss started to come up and tell the customers to leave.


I could not wrap my head around the reason they were sitting at barnes and noble for almost an hour with no air and no lights and no coffee. None of this mattered. When my boss told this group of people to leave it blew my mind to hear them beg her to let them stay. Here we are in the middle of a storm and all I want is to go home and lay in my bed. They would rather stay at barnes and noble. So much that they bribe the manager to let them stay.


At that moment, my life flashed before my eyes. I knew I was not dying but it made me realize that I would rather die than live forever like I am now. If I ever become the kind of person who would rather be at barnes and noble than out living life, I don't want to live at all.


What's the point of living if you can't feel alive?
If I can grow up to be half the woman Suze was and is, I will be happy.



Is there anyone I can call?

The puppy I took into my home to help me get over Angel attacked me tonight. My dad heard me crying from downstairs. He ran up to pull her off of me. I was face down on top of my bed screaming for her to stop. Tears streaming down my face and arms trying to keep her away from me. All my mom could say is that it would be ok. All my dad said was I can't let her do that. Show her who's boss.

Looking back on this event that occurred about 20 minutes ago, I am reminded of something me and my therapist Lara discovered on tuesday. I put others wants ahead of my own needs. Penny Lane wanted to lick my face until i couldn't breathe and then chew on my arms and bite my face and stand on my body and hurt me. I need her to stop. Somewhere in the chain of events I rolled with the punches and went on self defense. Praying that someone could hear me. thankfully they could.

time is flying by around me. an hour is gone and i dont know where it is. I am still sitting here. it is all i can do to type.


All The Railroad Men Drink Up Your Blood Like Wine


coffee and cigarettes have become part of me. My lungs are black and my blood is brown. I find myself sitting in my house planning out the music I want played at my wedding and at my funeral. My mind does not exist past the year 1973. The coffee and cigarettes are lesser evil substitutes for heroin and whiskey. He just sits and watches my self destruction. He thinks he is letting me express myself, but only because he does not know what else to do.


As I sit alone on this couch with my dog by my side, Bob Dylan sings my soul back to me. Knockin' On Heaven's door brings me to tears. Penny Lane is sound asleep and I envy her ability to block the world out. I wish I could sleep. He paw twitches and I wonder what she dreams of. I wish I could dream.


And nobody has ever taught you how to live on the street.
And now you find out you're gonna have to get used to it.
You said you'd never compromise with the mystery tramp.
But now you realize he's not selling any alibis.
As you stare into the vacuum of his eyes,
And ask him do you want to make a deal?