She Wouldn't Change Anything For The World

I've been really into punk the past few days and I think my favorite song at the moment is "Thrash Unreal" by Against Me!

(side note: i saw them at warped tour last year and they were amazing. see them live before you die)

anyway, here's the lyrics.

If she wants to dance and drink all night then there's no one that can stop her.
She's going until the house lights come up or her stomach spills onto the floor.
This night is going to end when we're damn well ready for it to be over.
Worked all week long now the music is playing on our time.
We do what we do to get by, and then we need a release.

You get mixed up with the wrong guys.
You get messed up on the wrong drugs.
Sometimes the party takes you places that you didn't really plan on going.
When people see the track marks on her arms she knows what they're thinking.
She keeps on working for that minimum,
as if a high school education offered any other options.
They don't know nothing about redemption.
They don't know nothing about recovery.
Some people just ain't the type for marriage and family.

No mother ever dreams that her daughter's going to grow up to be a junkie.
No mother ever dreams that her daughter's going to grow up to sleep alone.

She's out of step with the style.
She don't know where the actions happening.
You know the downtown club scene ain't nothing like it used to be.
You reach a point where there's not a lie in the world
that you could use to make the boys believe your still in you twenties.
They keep getting younger, don't they, baby?

She's not waiting for them to come over and ask for the privilege.
She can still here that Rebel Yell just as loud as it was in 1983.
There ain't no Johnny coming home to share a bed with her and she doesn't care.

No mother ever dreams that her daughters going to grow up to be a junkie.
No mother ever dreams that her daughters going to grow up to sleep alone.

If she had to live it all over again you know she wouldn't change anything for the world

these lyrics, for some reason, really struck a nerve with me.

i am not a drug addict.
i am not into the club scene.
i don't sleep around.

but somehow, i can relate to her.

people judge her by scars on her arms and i know how that feels.

who are they to assume they know who we are?
we aren't just some statistic. we aren't a number on a page of some psychology book.
we aren't broken, we are just damaged.

the thing that bothers me the most is when i see someone looking at my arms and make a face. most of the time, the face is in some form of disgust or as if to say 'freak' or 'emo.' but i hate when they don't say anything about it.
they don't even try to get the story straight. they see my arms and they think they know everything about me.

you don't

i am not ashamed of who i am. i am not going to change my life to impress you.
it is not like you don't have problems. we just deal with them differently.
i don't judge you for being an asshole, why judge me for cutting myself.

i'm don't like what i do, but just like the girl in the song, it's my life. you have no rite judge me. you don't have any business to be involved in mine.

we don't need your sympathy and we seriously don't want it either. all we need is a friend. all we want is for someone to hold us and tell us that everything is going to be ok.

we don't have to impress you and we don't plan on it either.

so yeah, keep this in mind. not only with scars or track marks, but anyone who may not look like you. no one is perfect, some just hide it better than others. you will never know what they are going through unless they tell you themselves.

i of all people know that not everyone who cuts, or has an eating disorder..not all of the cases are the same. you can't read a book about heroin addiction and immediately know the girl in the song's story. only she can tell you that.

^conversation between cory and me^


Your Dry Cleaning Won't Be Ready Until Thursday

for the record, i didn't do anything wrong.

i didn't want things to turn out this way.

it is truly amazing how much one tiny decision decision could ruin everything you have ever come to know and love.
was it my fault for asking? is she just overreacting? was he worth all of this in the first place?

he was my best friend before he was your ex-boyfriend. i helped get the two of you together. I LIKED HIM THE WHOLE TIME. i have liked him since the day i met him. i guess you never heard the story of how me and cameron got together in the first place?

you say that a true friends would not have even asked in the first place. well ok, but i did. and you said to go for it. it is not my fault you lied to me. and it is not my fault that you were such a fucking pussy you couldn't even say it to my face. you couldn't even say it to me. you told it to the entire world. go play in traffic.

you tell me to stop playing the victim. but i am the victim. you hate me and want me to die, but it could have been prevented. you didn't even like him. even cameron said he was happy for us and cameron would have done any thing to be with me again. you lied to me and you pointed out my 'mistake' and told the whole fucking world.

he found someone else who lives closer to him because he is a lazy fuck. and isn't man enough to tell me about her. but instead of lying, he just ignores me. we haven't spoken a word since that night and i hope you have fun with her. i hope she makes you fall in love with you and i hope she rips your heart out and slowly inserts a knife into, right in front of your face. I hope she puts it on the grill and cooks it and forces you to eat your cold lies.

thats still only half of what i felt.

and you don't have anything anymore. we were each others lives and now you have no one. I miss the times we had together but it's not worth it. you say you can't trust me, but you have no reason not to. I never lied to you. i told you what was what to your face. Then you get mad because I said that I cant trust you. I have good reasons not to trust you. Not once in all of this have you told me the truth to my face. It really hurts to find out that your best friend is not anything you thought she was. Its hard when she tries to destroy the life that you have built together.

i miss my sister. my best friend. my lincoln.


Lately I've Been Measuring, Seems My Time Is Wearing Thin..

So after a year with anorexia-nervosa, I saw my first diatrition today. I liked her a lot but it really got me to thinking.
(whenever i say 'i've been thinking,' it's not a good thing.)

I have lost over 40 pounds within the past 6 months and people have just started noticing. They have just, within the past few weeks, started to say something.

'Have you lost weight?'
'You look great!'
'How did you do it?'
'Are you trying to wither away to nothing?'

To me, it's like they only say how bad it is after they label it. Nothing has changed, you just gave it a name.

Diets aren't bad. Anorexia is. But why?
Anorexia is a diet.
I agree, it is extreme. There is no denying that.

But a lot of things are extreme.
'Extreme' is a word. Look it up.

'Extreme' isn't a bad label. Calling something 'extreme' does not make it taboo.
Anorexia is taboo. But not the word 'Extreme'

But why is Anorexia taboo?

Did you know that overeating is an eating disorder as well? But no one goes into treatment centers for being fat. America is the fattest county in the world. And I live in Houston, Texas. Last year, Houston was the fattest city out of all the fat cities in the fattest country in the world. So why am I being fixed for being skinny?

What are the differences between these two pictures?

both are disgusting. So why isn't the woman in the second one being thrown into mental hospitals to be cured?

We both have health problems because of our food problem.

We can both have diabetes.
We can both have heart-related problems.
We can both have difficulty breathing.
We can both have trouble getting around.

So why is she getting laughed at while I am being medically treated?

We are both doing the same amount of damage to our bodies. Tell her to put down her supersized quarterpounder with extra cheese, and i will eat an apple.


What's So Great About This 'Life' Thing Anyway?

i was just sitting here thinking about life. i really don't see what the big deal is. my younger cousins' birthday is in two days and it made me think about why people give gifts for birthdays.

i decided something tonight.

we give presents (birthday, christmas, valentine's day) as an incentive to keep living.

i mean really, tell me one good thing about life?

you grow up going to school, which is hell on earth and you live with parents who are annoying and sometimes abusive and mean and everyone hates being a teenager.
(yet they say these are the best years of our lives)

you graduate high school and never see anyone ever again. college may be one big party...but it will get old. it's still school and the work is so much harder. not to mention that debt begins here. higher education is a little bit expensive. yet you can barely survive without it. not to mention, if your parents are like mine, there is no way out of it anyway since they force you to go.

so you graduate that. you have no money, a broken heart, a permanent hangover and a piece of paper that will serve no purpose in life at all. it will most likely be framed and either collect dust hanging on a wall or collect dust while sitting in a box somewhere.

lets say you get married. even less money in your name and a husband that you will fight with and will probably cheat on you anyway.

maybe you have kids. this means you have one big headache for the next eighteen years. you get fat and lose any traces of a social life you may have managed to keep this far.

jobs? you get a jerk for a boss and get underpaid for doing something that no one really cares about. talk to anyone of your parents with a desk job and i will give you a thousand dollars if they don't hate it or wish they could have followed their dreams to become a ballerina or an astronaut. still don't believe me? watch office space or fight club. or really any movie ever made...

all this said, i have still left out bills, in laws, taxes, the government, people better than you and disease. everywhere you look there is depression, aids, mental retardation, paralysis, anorexia, starving kids in africa, war, racism, suicide, drugs..need i go on?

the father three houses down might be raping his daughter. your principal might be kicking the shit out of his wife, the leader of your church might be having sex with your 3 year old son's friend from sunday school, the president might be passing laws and starting wars right after 4 lines of cocaine.

i don't understand why people are so determined to stay alive as long as they can.

the older you get, the more pain you are in. cancer, hearing loss, spouses dying, your kids hate you for what you did in the past, you spent thousands of dollars on rejuvinaters and plastic surgery and you still get old. you WILL get wrinkles and you WILL die eventually.

i'm not saying 'everybody, go kill yourselves' but i just wanted to vent about why i don't understand why people lie on their death beds full of regret. why they are so upset that they will never have to wake up to this nightmare ever again. why they will never be in anymore pain, no more heartbreak, no more tears, no more worry, no more fighting. they will finally be in peace, but they don't want it.

it doesn't make sense.

if you would be in my shoes for half an hour, you would see things the way i see things. i don't think having 'clinical depression' means you are sadder than normal, i think it simply means i am paying attention to the world.

98% of the people on this planet probably don't really have a purpose. you hear for the first 18 years of your life that everyone does, but most people die without ever accomplishing anything.

basically, what i am trying to say is that, in my opinion, life really isn't worth living. i don't see how anyone could possibly have anything that would make them want to stay here.

these are lyrics from the song 'knife called lust' by hollywood undead.

I look alive, I'm dead inside.
My heart has holes and black blood flows.
We'll do some drugs, well fall in love
and get fucked up while the world just shrugs.
With no thought Logically.
Were wondering the streets so aimlessly.
I hate to see these kids just being put down so painlessly.
And people say you
Dye your hair and wear tight jeans, that doesn't mean.
That you can't scream, or like loud noise,
you got a choice, you have a voice.
And just because you showed no love and hate on us
you fucked our trust.
Now watch we thrust this Knife Called Lust into my Chest until it Bust.

This love , This Hate
Is burning me away
It's hard to face that we're all the same
This love, This Hate
Is Burning me away

mad at the fact your dad is an addict,
your friend takes pills he thinks it cures sadness,
I'm not here to attack or make you kids panic,
but i just think it's tragic the way these kids have it.
and everybody sins and it all begins,
it goes back around, nobody ever wins.
and you stab yourself in the back,
EVERYBODY JUST RELAX! it all just hits so close to home,
we all got friends but we stand alone,
and your on your own from a broken home,
you keep the truth inside and it stays unknown.
Nostalgia hit and its time to quit,
and everybody acts like it don't mean shit.
and your friend will stab you just to fuck some girl,
put your hands in the air and scream FUCK THE WORLD!!!

Let go
I'll bring you closer
Right now
I'll hold on tightly
Let go
We're going no where
And things aren't over
Harder times like these!
Growing up on the streets!
Harder times like these!
I'll put you back on your feet!

And I fall to the ground with my teardrops
And I get lost every time my heart stops
This love this hate is burning me away