love is on the phone.

i guess it started last week.

i wanted to write about it, but i was hoping if i ignored it that it would go away.

but it got worse as time went on.


all the people who promised they would never leave me, have in fact left.

i guess it was last saturday, almost a week ago.
i was with chelsea and i had cameron's christmas presents with me.
i called him and decided that on my way home, we [me and chelsea] would stop and do a little gift exchange with him.
he told me he was at will's.
so we went there.

when we got there, will was nowhere to be found.
i wasn't disappointed or the least bit surprised.
he is still too much of a little bitch to face me.

so me, cameron and chelsea gave each other our christmas gifts in the entryway to will's house.

we liked them and hugged and cameron said
"well i don't know if you want to go in there and see will."
i shrug.
"macey's here, so yeah"

my first reaction is disgust.

macey is the girl will left me for.
i was second best and she was easy.

i have spent months blaming her, but i am finally realizing that she isn't the problem.
it was me.
it is me

on the way home, i cried in secret.
part of me wanted to talk about it, but i didn't feel like it.

we passed by a mall and the "s" in "macy's" was burnt out.
i started crying harder.
it's like the universe was laughing at me.

i felt so worthless.
thrown away.
you name it.

i wanted to know more about this macey chick.
i wanted to ask cameron since i knew i wouldn't be talking to will anytime in the nearfuture.
when i ended up talking to him later that night, i couldn't get the words out.

i guess i don't want to know what makes her better than me.
maybe it is the physical stuff.
but it's not like i would have pushed him off of me.
i'm not saving myself.

i feel like shit because i have never had to tell anyone "no" or "stop" or "not yet"
like they wouldn't want to anyway.


unlike the will/macey situation, this has been a longer time coming.

i have mentioned it previously

but the only boy i have ever loved decided he wants to be friends because he met someone else.
i guess i shouldn't be too upset since he, unlike some, told me about it.

but this has impacted me a lot more than macey ever could.

he expects me to go on like nothing is wrong.
and i am trying, i really am.
but it is so hard.

i have tried to make this clear to him, but i don't want to influence his emotions with mine.
i won't let myself be that girl.

but i am having a really hard time with seeing him with someone other than me.
i love him so much and just thinking about her kills me.

i have been avoiding him because it is getting hard to pretend that i am ok.
it is getting hard to be friends with him.

i can't see myself being friends with him and not being allowed to have more.

[and the most ridiculous]

i have had a huge crush on ben since third grade.
(that is roughly 8 years)

we lose touch for a while and about 6 months ago, we started talking again.

he found out that i had liked him, and still did.
but he basically said that i was way out of his league and that he wasn't a good person.
i honestly didn't give a shit, but that was his opinion.

so we stayed friends and ended up getting closer.

this whole time, i loved someone else
but the crush on ben has always been an underlying thing.
and to be honest, i think it always will be.

but regardless, i was with my boyfriend and ben ended up finding his own girlfriend.
i was happy just being his friend and my feeling weren't a factor at all.

the same night i found out the boy i loved liked someone else, i was talking to ben.

out of nowhere, he starts a conversation that went like this:

BEN: so i really have to get this out. i used to like you a lot.
ME: really...wow. i didn't know that.
BEN: yeah. well now you do.
ME: when was this?
BEN: back when we were kids and when we started talking again.
ME: so recently?
BEN: yeah. idk. it was weird.
ME: why was it weird?
BEN: because i didn't even know you but i wanted to go out with you.
ME: wow. me too.
BEN: we are weird.
ME: i guess.
BEN: do you still like me?
BEN: well you know i have a girlfriend and i love her so nothing will happen between us while i am still with her.
ME: no, i know that. and i completely understand.
BEN: ok good. and i am too happy with you as my friend.
ME: yeah, me too.

this weirded me out a little, but this wasn't the problem.
actually, this conversation made me happy.
even though i knew nothing was happening at the moment
the fact that at one time, he did have feelings for me put my mind at ease.
i always thought that i had no chance in hell with him.

what upset me was a few weeks later, i went to see his band play.
he had been begging me for a while to go.
so i did.
when i went to talk to him after, he completely ignored me because of his girlfriend.
i could tell that i wasn't wanted there, so i just left.

the next day he told me that he was sad i left without talking to him.
and i just told him that i was sad because it seemed like he didn't want to talk to me.
and after he told me that it wasn't true and he really really wanted me to wait for him to be done talking to his girlfriend he said:

"If I didn't have a girlfriend, I would totally want to go out with you."

this was a little more upsetting since a few days earlier he told me how much he loved her and thought he would never break up with her.

finally, on christmas eve, he called me to say that he had broken up with her.

now, 5 days after i found out he was single..
i still haven't talked to him.

i am confused.
i am disappointed.
i am angry.

for wanting to be single so he could date me, he is being a little bitch.

i finally texted him today and he text back.
i replied to him and he didn't after that.

i feel like he changed his mind.
he doesn't like me after all.

maybe he thought he did, but only because he knew he couldn't have me.

i don't even know where to go from here.
and that scares me.


It Only Hurts When I'm Breathing

How do I get through one night without you
If I had to live without you
What kind of life would that be
Oh I, I need you in my arms
Need you to hold
You're my world, my heart, my soul

it's been hard.
only a few days, now.
but i can feel it.

i decided that i can't bare to see you as just a friend.
i will never be happy.
i need you.

If you want to play it like a game
Come on, come on let's play
'Cause I'd rather waste my life pretending
than have to forget you for one whole minute

i can't tell you this.
but there is a reason.
i know you.
i know you would do anything if you know i would be happy.
i couldn't live with myself if you sacrificed your happiness for mine.

i don't want to be with you if it's just because you feel bad and have nothing better to do.

at the same time, i don't want you to walk away from me.
and get into trouble, get hurt and realized you are alone.
i don't want you to think that i will still be there.
i might not.

don't assume you will always be able to come back when you end up heartbroken and need someone to mend it.
i love you and i always will, but i refuse to be walked over.
i don't want you to walk away from me this easily because you know if all else fails, i will still be waiting.


i just can't walk away.

i have loved jimmy eat world for years.
and i think today is the first time i have ever really listened them.

"just tonight" came on shuffle.
and i actually listened to it.
i started crying.

All at once the music stopped, the feeling went away
An ugly picture, me and you, but nothing I can change
You know what happens with the lights back on
The less you know the more you want (you want, you want)

how is it that the one song i needed to hear right now, randomly finds me.

I was scared but once I thought about, I let it go
Everything she said to me I guess I ought to know
We're all tired talk when it comes to shove
Put up, put out or stay at home.

i can't even find the words to explain how i need it.
jim adkins says it better than i can ever dream about.

i'm tired of explaining myself.
i'm just going to listen.

We'll never be the same, never feel this way again
I'd give you anything but you want pain.
A little water please, I taste you all over my teeth
Never again. Just tonight? Ok


like a complete unknown

i'm sorry.
but i just can't say this to your face.
i can't.

i'm not your little doll.
maybe i won't be here when you finally make up your mind.

you can tell me to move on and find someone else.

i did.

and that worked out so well.

i think i am just so scared that you made a mistake.
that you are blind and dumb for ever loving me in the first place.
it didn't bother me.

but now i am afraid that no one else will make that mistake.
that no one wants me or ever will.

ben told me last night that he didn't think he will ever break up with his girlfriend.
i know he didn't know the weight of what he said.
but what he was really saying is that you aren't worth it.

8 years and he waits to tell me how he feels until he finds someone better than me.

It was the second you put your arms around me,
when you hugged me for the last time.
It's then when I wished everything would have paused.
It's the moment I will cherish always.
It's the second of feeling loved & safe that will stay in my heart forever.
It's the words "I love you" coming out of your mouth.
It's all the things that keep me loving you, keeps me missing you,
& keeps me wanting you back.


there's pixies tugging at my hair

I was hoping I could tell you this with two feet on the ground
But I don't think I can talk, because I'm not very stable right now

In this dream that I had....
"You can't kill heroes"
that's what we said to them
"You can't kill us"

i realized today what keeps me going day by day.

knowing at the end of the day that there is, in fact, someone who loves me.

there are people in my life that are keeping me here.
there are people here who save my life everyday.

no matter what i do, i am not alone.
maybe there is no one here holding me at night.
but i have hope that it won't be that way forever.

I found fountains of imagery that are passing
Through me like a knife
From a group of friends that prefer to attack from the back
I'm trying to grasp concepts of your dimensions
While my universe is laced around your wrist
I am the bracelet you sport
I am everything that you have ever missed, and more

sometimes, i get lonely. but i think i finally realize that it's normal.
everybody gets lonely.
if they didn't, half of my itunes library would not exist.
i would have no idea who nick thomas.

(nick thomas is the man behind the spill canvas)

days like today give me hope that, even i, can be happy.
i finally believe that i can survive the next year.

a year from now, i will be 18.
if i can make it to 18, everything will be ok.

Your picture in my hand
I am at the mercy of your photograph
The halo above your head
Has set ablaze the heavens my angel
It's 3 AM and I am sneaking out your back door
A goodnight kiss and I am stumbling to my car

And I never thought I'd feel this safe again
In a million years
And lying next to you, and hoping that it's true
And with you I'm truly in my element, my element with you


i'll take the truth at any cost

i want to crawl into a cave and rot.

i have no friends.
the love of my life would rather be with someone else.
i'm so forgettable.
i am so scared to move back and not be welcomed.

i want to runaway.
but i don't know where to go.
or that history will just repeat itself.
what if this is all me.
what if i am the problem.
what if people run away from me because i gave them a reason.

all the boys i have been with over the past 6 months are with someone else now.
i'm starting to think that i am a social disease.
i'm fun to have around for a little while, but then it gets old.

i am temporary.

i'm tired of wasting my parents time and money.
paying for the therapist and psychiatrist and nutritionist
and nothing will ever come out of it

i don't know how to fix myself.
i don't even know what's wrong with me.
i can't be happy until i can change it.
but i don't even know what "it" is.

i hate looking around me and seeing everyone else live.
i'm tired of looking at the few people who seem to care about me.
i don't like putting them through this.
i know it hurts them to see me like this.
i don't want to hurt you anymore.

the only messages in my inbox are from a boy who likes me, but loves his girlfriend.
a cousin who wants a place for her and her lesbian girlfriend to makeout.
and a mom, making sure i am still alive.

i am temporary.


Someday You Will Ache Like I Ache

i wonder if it's all my fault?
why am i never good enough?

i don't even know what i have gotten myself into.

i don't care about anything anymore.

things were fine. but then suddenly in a matter of 10 minutes, i come crashing down again.

i am trying so hard not to relapse.
usually when this happens, i would come to you.

but i can't this time.

i'm sorry for everything.

that i moved.
that i fucked up so many times.
that i didn't appreciate you.
that i didn't tell you the truth.
that i let you down.
that i let you get to me.

chelsea warned me about this.
i should have listened.
i told her it was going to be ok.
that we were both happy.

but i guess you could have been happier.

i should have fucking known when you started smoking again.
that was the red flag, wasn't it.

i saw it coming.
i don't think you realize how much you talk about her.

and at the park.
you said you might go to the concert with her. and you saw the jealousy.
you said i didn't have to worry.

and i believed you.

i did the best i could


Tangerine, Tangerine

Thinking how it used to be,
Does she still remember times like these?
To think of us again?
And I do.

Oh, myspace.

I found my ex-boyfriend's myspace a few days ago.


after the breakup, it seemed we didn't really have anything to talk about.
so we slowly lost contact.

we broke up right before christmas 2 years ago.
the next january, i found the love of my life and i don't regret anything that happened between me and scott.

it has been a year since i last talked to him.
and seeing his myspace, looking at his pictures, it made me miss him.

not necessarily as a boyfriend, but just in my life in general.
he was funny.
he was a very good friend.
he cared about me a lot.

we shared a lot of really great memories.
and i miss having him around.

i miss his brother.
i miss him mom.
i miss his dog.
i miss his couch.
i miss his friends.

Measuring a summers day,
I only finds it slips away to grey,
The hours, they bring me pain.

as mentioned above, i found someone else after scott's departure.

it has proven to be the most ridiculous relationships in the history of ridiculous relationships.
but i love him with everything i am.

if i had to pick between never finding him and having scott as a friend now...

i would never see scott again.
no contest.

Tangerine, Tangerine,
Living reflection from a dream;
I was her love, she was my queen,
And now a thousand years between.


Monster, How Should I Feel?

Her little whispers.
Love Me. Love Me.
That's all I ask for.
Love Me. Love Me.

the law says i can't give you specifics.

but in group therapy today we were talking about sexual abuse.

two of these girls i have come to see as my sisters, have been raped by people they were supposed to trust.

the thing that stands out the most in my mind about tonight, is not the stories they told. it isn't the tears i watched them shed. it wasn't the pain i saw in their eyes.

all i could think about is how unwanted i feel.

Her battered his tiny fists to feel something.
Wondered what it's like to touch and feel something.
How should I feel?
Creatures lie here.
Looking through the window

it was mentioned that as a child, one of the girls did not understand what was happening and that even today, she has mixed feelings and didn't hate it.

our therapist told us that when we feel neglected, we don't know what to do with feelings like this.
we don't know anything else.

all i could think about is how neglected i feel.

not because no one seems to want to help me, because that isn't the case.

i feel neglected because no one has set me apart like these rapists did to my sisters.

i feel so disgusting and unwanted because i have never had to tell anyone to stop.

That night he caged her.
Bruised and broke her.
He struggled closer.
Then he stole her.
Violet wrists and then her ankles.
Silent Pain.
Then he slowly saw their nightmares were his dreams.

this may make me sound completely insane, but i want to feel like that.
i am not begging to be raped.
but i want to be wanted.

when i am driving on the highway, and the creepy middle-aged men stare at me..deep down part of me likes it.

don't get me wrong.
it's creepy as hell.

but it makes me feel attractive.

i want to be hit on.
i have never been hit on by a stranger.

it makes me feel repulsive.


Entertain Us.

The music channel, Fuse, is in the middle of a series about the most influential music videos ever created.

the first song featured was Nirvana's, "Smells Like Teen Spirit"

Load up on guns
Bring your friends
It's fun to lose and to pretend
She's overborne and self-assured
Oh no, I know a dirty word

Hello, hello, hello, hello, how low?

With the Lights out it's less dangerous
Here we are now entertain us

I feel stupid and contagious

Here we are now entertain us

teens really don't serve much purpose.
sometimes i feel like all we are meant to do is consume.
we are professional consumers.
we are only wanted for our money.

A mulatto, an albino

Mulatto is defined as "a person of mixed white and black ancestry, esp. a person with one white and one black parent."

Albino is defined as "a person or animal having a congenital absence of pigment in the skin and hair (which are white) and the eyes (which are typically pink)."

Society has a very big impact on teenagers. There is no point in denying it.
we follow trends and fads and whatever the hell is cool now.
we are all ultimately the same beast on the inside.
that doesn't change according to the color of your skin.
not much does.

A mosquito, my libido

I'm worse at what I do best
And for this gift I feel blessed
Our little group has always been
And always will until the end

this is a song that i understand, until i try to explain it.
teenagers are a special breed of human upon this earth.

we can be molded into anything the media wants us to be.

especially now.

society is shot to hell. that isn't hard to see.
we are all just spoiled little brats who blindly believe and follow whatever path looks pleasing right now.

Kurt Cobain understood this.

I wish he were still here because I am sure he could put up a better argument than I could ever dream of.


We Only Say Goodbye With Words

my entire world has gone downhill and i can't stop it.

i talked to him for hours last night.
i will never need heroin as long as i have him.

but sometimes i fell like it's a one sided thing.

i used to think the opposite.
i used to feel bad because i thought he was giving and giving and i was just taking.
but that isn't the case.

i am always the one that has to go out of my way for him.
he never has time for me.
so when he does, i pick up and drive an hour to see him.

i realize now that he doesn't understand how big of a deal that is.
gas, time..me and my parents give up a hell of a lot for me to be able to see him.

we always have to work around his schedule.
he is all i have, i don't have a schedule.

for example, i was on his side of town on saturday to see my family.
he was supposed to call me when he got off of work so we could do something.

he did and said that he was picking up his x-box from home and he had to go to this guys house because his family is out of town. he asked if he could go over there and then see if the three of us could do something.

(me and the other guy have a past. i don't have a problem with it but he obviously still feels guilty because he makes it really awkward.)

i say thats fine. whatever.

he calls back an hour later and says "yeah, will is really sick so we can't do anything."
so he plays x-box all night.

he calls back later and asks if he can see me the next day (sunday)
and says he will call me then.


so sunday, i wait for him to call all day.

i basically give up.
at like, 5:30 PM
he finally calls.

"i'm free until about 8:30 if you can still do something"

so i drop everything and run to him.
i drive an hour to be able to see him for 2.

and he doesn't even appreciate it.

last night i was talking to him on aim.
i am spilling my heart to him.
crying my eyes out.

all he has to say is "brb"
then he goes outside to smoke a joint.

it wasn't always like this.

so when is enough, finally enough?


Have You Ever Been Blue?

the following is taken straight from my sketchbook diary.

monday november 19, 2007

I watched girl, interrupted today and I was reminded why it is my favorite movie. I think the reason I love it so much is because I relate to it very well. Some of the monologues seem to make direct reference to me. Sometimes mine and Winona [Ryder]'s faces are interchangeable. She isn't sure what her sickness is about and neither do I.
When she is in Dr. Wick's office and brings up "ambivalence" I feel like they are talking about me.

"Do I stay or do I go?" "Am I sane or am I crazy?"

This has been a rough week. Not for any specific reason, but I actually told myself out loud that I don't want help. I don't want to get better. After weeks of not cutting, I cut. After months of not purging, I purged. Unlike in the past, I didn't hate it. I didn't regret it. I didn't hate myself. I didn't get caught.

This morning, I wasn't even depressed. I cut because I could. I did it because I couldn't think of a reason not to. I did it for the hell of it. I can still feel it burning and I like it. I was looking forward to lunch all day just so I could purge. I can't remember the last time I was excited to eat.

I think abot suicide all the time but don't think I could act on it because of all the people I would let down.

sometimes I feel like I care too much about other people's feelings. I decide on actions after carefully debating whether someone will get hurt or not.

they say suicide is the ultimate act of selfishness. but what if you have never been selfish in your life? I don't even know what that feels like.

sometimes I feel like a hypocrite for being a strong advocate for organizations like "To Write Love On Her Arms."

I would rather help everyone else in the entire world than help myself.

I donate money and spread the word of this anti-self injury organization, when I don't even feel like using them to help me. Kinda like competing in the Tour De France with no bicycle.

I can see my therapist for the rest of my life and never get one step closer to recovering. I have been given the tools, taught to use them but it will only work if I pick them up and use them.

I am at a point where I have been struggling to even pick them up and I am tired of trying so hard. Living in the midst of this habit is just so much easier than fighting it.

It has become a part of me. I don't know where my sickness ends and the real me begins anymore.