can we take a ride

Once on a yellow piece of paper with green lines
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Chops"
because that was the name of his dog
And that's what it was all about
And his teacher gave him an A
and a gold star
And his mother hung it on the kitchen door
and read it to his aunts
That was the year that Father Tracy
took all the kids to the zoo
And he let them sing on the bus
And his little sister was born
with tiny toenails and no hair
And his mother and father kissed a lot
And the girl around the corner
sent him a valentine signed with a row of X's
and he had to ask his father what the X's meant
And his father always tucked him in bed at night
And was always there to do it

Once on a piece of white paper with blue lines
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Autumn"
because that was the name of the season
And that's what it was all about
And his teacher gave him an A
and asked him to write more clearly
And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because of its new paint
And the kids told him
that Father Tracy smoked cigars
And left butts on the pews
And sometimes they would burn holes
That was the year his sister got glasses
with thick lenses and black frames
And the girl around the corner laughed
when he asked her to go see Santa Claus
And the kids told him why
his mother and father kissed a lot
And his father never tucked him in bed at night
And his father got mad
when he cried for him to do it.

Once on a paper torn from his notebook
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Innocence: A Question"
because that was the question about his girl
And that's what it was all about
And his professor gave him an A
and a strange steady look
And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because he never showed her
That was the year that Father Tracy died
And he forgot how the end
of the Apostle's Creed went
And he caught his sister making out on the back porch
And his mother and father never kissed
or even talked
And the girl around the corner
wore too much makeup
That made him cough when he kissed her
but he kissed her anyway
because that was the thing to do
And at three A.M. he tucked himself into bed
his father snoring soundly

That's why on the back of a brown paper bag
he tried another poem
And he called it "Absolutely Nothing"
Because that's what it was really all about
And he gave himself an A
and a slash on each damned wrist
And he hung it on the bathroom door
because this time he didn't think
he could reach the kitchen.

quit playing games with my heart

my mind plays tricks on me.

i think it is a combination of romance, hollywood, and a wild imagination.

i wish i could change it.

what happens is that i always expect the best in every situation.

for example:

my birthday was on tuesday.

my dad had told me that he had made plans for us.

my mind immediately runs wild.

i imagine this magical scene where he plans this party with all of my friends and cameron is there with a present.

it is like a dream.

i obviously knew that none of that was going to happen in a million years.
but i couldn't help it.

i think it's all the movies i watch.

life isn't a fucking fairy tale.

but my mind seems to think it's possible.

it builds me up, then i am ALWAYS disappointed.

and i don't know how to change it.


they don't love you like i love you

so anyone who has been around me for more than 5 minutes knows the huge crush i have on joseph gordon-levitt.

let me put up another picture since it is my blog and i can do whatever i want.

well ok, he is much more than a pretty face.

he chooses roles that actually mean something.

manic changed my life.

this is the plot line according to internet movie database:

Lyle Jensen is subject to sudden and violent outbursts, and he is committed to the juvenile wing of the Northwood Mental Institution. Several other youths are there with a variety of serious problems. Lyle interacts with other patients and staff on a human, and sometimes not so human level. The psychological problems of the patients also forms the fabric by which we see what's right with them, and what's wrong with the society that affects them.

until i saw this movie, i thought being in a mental hospital meant what hollywood made it out to be. like, girl, interrupted and one flew over the cucu's nest.
but when i went into one, it was nothing like that.
upon seeing this movie after i was discharged, i didn't feel so alone.
i understood what every single one of these people were going through. whether it was me personally or someone i met while i was there, everything was covered in this movie.

and joseph's acting is infallible.

mysterious skin is even more intense than the former.

although i cannot relate as much, seeing as how it mainly deals with homosexuality, i still find a way to connect.

i know what it's like when a moment in your life haunts you for days, months, years..and that is what this movie is about.

we all deal with traumas differently.

the two boys in this movie are both dealing with a certain event that happened during their childhood.
one can't remember. his mind subconsciously blocked it all out.
the other was forever scarred and it changed his life dramatically.

it is a very hard movie to watch because it is so graphic.
but after you do, you will never be the same.

he also started a website.


basically, it is a place where people can simply express themselves.

whether it be through pictures, or short films, or writing.
he has posted numerous videos with heart.
the website is the epitome of the word "art."

you should check it out.

and these, among countless others, are reasons why joseph gordon-levitt changed my life.

and i will forever love him.


this is getting over you

i found this and fell in love.
i didn't write this, but i wish i did.

Some people believe in Jesus and God.
Some people believe in Buddha or whoever they choose.
Some people believe in Heaven and Hell and Angels and the Devil.
Some people believe in making a lot of money and having the "dream life".
Some people believe in war.
But I believe in other things.
I believe in helping others out.
I believe in smiles and laughter.
I believe in words and their power to save lives.
I believe in bands and everyone who is just getting by.
I believe in the smalls of backs and watching movies till your eyes burn.
I believe in staying up all night and sleeping in all day.
I believe in long car rides and fresh air.
I believe in Anthony Green and his music ways.
I believe in my family and everything they do.
I believe in passion over practicality.
I believe in questioning those who don't want to be.
I believe in acting out and drawing attention.
I believe in long conversations.
I believe in reading blogspots and then realizing your still the same.
I believe in going out by staying in.
I believe in the sun and the stars and everyone who loves them as much as I do.
I believe in supporting good causes without reasons besides the fact that it just seems right.
I believe in protecting the ones you love.
I believe in bee stings and everything that has to do with pain.
I believe in St. Patrick's Day and spending time with your family.
I believe in being young.
I believe in staying true to yourself.
I believe in my bestfriend.
I believe in you.

meanwhile, in my own life, i find myself being forced to start over.

all of my friends, for one reason or another, have deserted me.
i believe i have one left and she is never available.

i moved back to be closer to these friends i don't have anymore.

so i have to start fresh.
i have to move on.
it is long over due.

i hope you have fun with your new girlfriend.
but i can't look at you anymore without crying.

i hope you have fun with your new best friend and i wish you the best.

i hope none of you will forget all the times we spent together.
preferably the good ones only.


so sick of love songs.

my new years resolution is failing miserably.

i actually love you more than i did before.

i hope she breaks your heart.

as much as i want to be with you, i want you to know how it feels.

i want you to know how this feels.

(yours isn't on my arm.)

i want you to know what you are doing to me.
i want you to know that last night, i ran out crying.

i can't be sure, but i think you saw me as your car was pulling away.

i want you to know how miserable i am.

i want you to know that i don't want to be your friend anymore.

i can't live live like this anymore.
i can't do this anymore.
i'm sorry.


show me the kind of affection you only see in movies

last night, my parents, friend and i toasted to a year better than this past one.

hopefully no suicide attempts.
hopefully no mental hospitals.
hopefully no ruined friendships.

and my silent resolution is to get over you.
i will not sit back and let this slowly tear me to pieces.

i'm sure you will read this eventually, but i am not telling you any of this because this is for me.
this is so i can look back and remember.

wow. i don't even know where to start.

ok. i love you.
so much.
more than you can ever even begin to imagine.
and i will never forget a single moment we shared.
(even though some i may want to)

you are my best friend and i realize now that it is all out of my control.
i'm not going to fight for you anymore.
i'm not going to sit and feel sorry for myself because you are happy.
i guess tonight i realized that it doesn't mean that i did anything wrong, or i'm not good enough.

i am not going to try and control your feelings anymore.

over the past few hours, i have thought about everything i missed out on.

when we said that we were going to have a walk-in freezer in our house. ha. that would have been fun.

and when i wrote "i love cameron" in the sand. i wanted to go back with you.

and when we had a picnic in my room with angel.
and when i gave you grover.
and when the little black boy talked to you outside of the library.
and when i met your fabulous family at brandie's birthday.
and watched dog the bounty hunter upstairs at your grandma's house.
and when you first met gaby.

and when your dad called me crazy.
and after the shiny toy guns show.
and when you got drunk and decided to write me a note.
and when i got injured at calvary.

i don't think i would change anything.

i wanted to travel with you.
when you asked for a penguin i told you to take me to italy.
it's ok.
i don't need you to go.

i wanted to marry you.
but it's ok.
there are other guys.

i wanted to have your baby.
and if we liked it..maybe babies?
but it's ok.
there are other guys with sperm.

i wanted to spend the rest of my life with you.
but it's ok.

i'm getting over you, right?