Oh So Elegant

moving on is turning out to be the hardest thing i have ever even DREAMT about doing.
me and cameron have been apart for about a month now.
at first, i was angry.

the anger has worn off and i am sinking in to depression.
i miss everything about him.
i know he used to read these. part of me hopes he still does.
part of me hopes he thinks i am being strong. i know that's what he wanted.

I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
She will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood

-where i stood missy higgins

i found a lump in breast.
i went to the doctor today and she referred me to another woman, who i am seeing on wednesday.
i have never been so scared before.

at one point i was cutting myself to see how much blood i could draw.
making myself throw up until i saw blood.
taking pills in hopes of not feeling anything anymore.

but i am genuinely scared i might have something wrong with me.
something i can't control.

i think i am scared cameron won't know that i could be really sick.
i need him now.
i need him to hold me and tell me it will be ok.
that it's nothing that he won't leave my side.

i am to a point where i don't know what to do with anything.
i don't know what step i need to take now.
i don't know how to get out of this hole.


i'll never bow down at your feet

wow. it has been a really long time.

until today, i have been cut/purge free.

about half an hour ago. i cut a lot.
i am currently bingeing.

cameron dumped me about a week ago. yet still tells me he is going to marry me and have kids with me.
however, he shared some information with me.
he is dating lizzy again.


i told cameron i would not cut anymore. he said he didn't want to deal with it.
he said a while ago that we would be over if i started again.

now what?
i can cut all i want and he can't do a damn thing.
i have nothing to lose anymore.

i don't give a fuck about anything.
as of a few hours ago, i don't care.

nothing is worth it.
people will just let you down.
and you will still have to get up and go to work the next morning.

well now, i don't care.
so i don't finish school, big deal.
so i die really really young, who cares.
everyone will forget soon enough.