Sweet Freedom

if you were to die tonight, would you be able to say you really lived?

i know i probably wouldn't.

i spend most of my time sitting on my couch watching tv and feeling sorry for myself.

there are a lot of shows i plan on going to, but refuse to go alone. if my friends can't make it, neither can i.
and then i come home and sit on the couch feeling sorry for myself.

i know i could have so much more fun in life.
i know that i shouldn't let other people stop me.
so my boyfriend can't make it..

...maybe my soul mate is going to be at the concert tonight.

maybe me being weak is ruining the rest of my life a little more with each bad decision i make.
i let my depression decide if i am going to sit home and binge or go out and have fun.

if we have to live anyway, why not have a good time?
why not enjoy the time we have here?
why not make friends and make memories?
why not act like idiots?
why not go on adventures?
why not live like a movie?
why not take chances?


so i go to a show alone.
so what.
i'm sure i won't be the only one.
i know there will be someone there i can hang out with.

so let's all take steps to break out of routine.
let's break out of our comfort zone.
let's make new friends.
let's be free.
let's stay up late with ice cream and our best friends.
let's change the world.

Wouldn't Come Home For The World

so i really love the song "walking disaster" by Sum 41

I haven't been home for a while
I'm sure everything's the same
Mom and Dad both in denial
An only child to take the blame

Sorry, Mom, but I don't miss you
Father's no name you deserve
I'm just a kid with no ambitions
Wouldn't come home for the world

Never know what I've become
The king of all that's said and done
The forgotten son

This city's buried in defeat
I walk along these no-name streets
Wave goodbye to home

At the dead-end I begin
To burn a bridge of innocence
Satisfaction guaranteed
A pillow-weight catastrophe

Our own mission nowhere bound
Inhibitions underground
A shallow grave I
Have dug all by myself

And now I've been gone for so long
I can't remember who was wrong
All innocence is long gone
I pledge allegiance to a world of disbelief
Where I belong

A walking disaster
The son of all bastards
You regret you made me
It's too late to save me

As far as I can tell
It's just voices in my head
Am I talking to myself?
'Cause I don't know what I just said

(And she said)
As far as where I fell
Maybe I'm better off dead
Am I at the end of nowhere
Is this as good as it gets?

And now I've been gone for so long
I can't remember who was wrong
All innocence is long gone
I pledge allegiance to a world of disbelief
Where I belong

A walking disaster
The son of all bastards
You regret you made me
It's too late to save me

I will be home in a while
You don't have to say a word
I can't wait to see you smile
Wouldn't miss it for the world

yet another song that hits home for me.
whenever i sing this, i imagine that i wrote it and it is autobiographical.

let's pretend the subjects name is kevin.
here's what he looks like.

his whole life, his parents kept him in this bubble. he was sheltered and overprotected and alone.
we know he is an only child and if you don't know what that's like..

being an only child is like being a celebrity.
everyone knows everything about you, you can never get away from the attention and when something goes wrong, it is automatically your fault.

so it's hell.

so all kevin wants to do is get out. he wants to run as far away as he can.
doesn't know what he wants to do, but doesn't care as long as he isn't home.

in fact, he doesn't ever plan on ever going home.
he claims that he doesn't miss his mother and that he might as well not have a father.
he tells them he doesn't care anymore.

he realizes life on the streets isn't easy. now he is stuck in a whole he dug for himself. but there is no one to help him out anymore.

he is afraid all innocence is lost and nothing will ever be ok again.
he finally admits that nothing he had hoped for worked out and maybe it was a mistake.
but he still won't come home.

"you regret you made me.
It's too late to save me"

a little longer on his own and he thinks maybe it's all just a bad dream.
maybe he is fine and it's all in his head.

but what if it isn't?
what if he is going to die on these streets?
what if things will never get better?

in the end, he decided to bury the hatchet and go home to the people who care about him.

sometimes we have to lose what we love to see how much it really means to us.
we test relationships to see how much they really care.
sometimes when we think we don't need anyone, we really do.

kevin knows he can't rely on his parents forever, but sometimes you need a hand to hold along the way.


What's My Age Again?

today children, we are going to complain about the age of consent law.

specifically dealing with dating and the like.

i agree, 20 year old guys should not be dating 12 year old girls.

but i personally believe that if a sixteen year old girl has feelings for a twenty year old guy, what gives the government the rite to stop that.

i think as long as it is consentual there shouldn't be a problem.
i have spoken earlier about teen sex and how we are trying to be sheltered and caged and protected.

but what if that isn't what is best for us.
it certainly isn't what we want.

let's take a trip back in time, shall we?

my grandma was married at 16.
her grandma was married at 13.

love is love.
it knows no age, race, gender, whatever the fuck you want to censor next.

i'm sixteen and i love my boyfriend more than most wives love their husbands.

ashton kutcher married demi moore who is well over 20 years older than him.
extreme, but acceptable.
so why can't i date a guy 20 years older than me?

why does my age automatically set me apart from the rest of society.
i am probably more mature than most legal, college students. but they are better because they were born a few years before me? bullshit.


I Need You Like Water In My Lungs

so i basically live my life through song lyrics and movie quotes.

most of my favorite lyrics are written by Jesse Lacey of Brand New.

their most recent album, The Devil and God Are Raging Inside Me, is personally, one of the best albums ever released. Every single song hits home emotionally and I never skip any of them.

Not too much is known about Jesse except what we hear in his writing, and when I listen to one of his songs..it's like I have known him forever and he is telling me his deepest darkest secrets. the kind of things you would only tell your best friend.

I relate to him a lot.

"I used to pray a God was listening.
I used to make my parents proud.
I was the glue that kept my friends together,
Now they don't talk and we don't go out.

I used to know the name of every person I kissed.
Now I've made this bed and I can't fall asleep in it."


i think this is my favorite part of the entire "Devil and God" album.
to me, i think "Millstone" is his confessions about how his entire life has changed. whether it's from depression, or just plain apathy.

I can relate to this a lot. I went through the same transformation. to the point where i didn't care about anything. i stopped caring about school, my friends, my safety. I hardly ever showed up for school and my grades took a nose dive. I ended up not being able to pass and pulled out around february. I think this is why "Millstone" speaks to me much more than many other songs. It's like Jesse wrote it about me.

"Hey, you beauty supreme.
Yeah, you were right about me.
But can I get myself out from underneath
This guilt that will crush me
In the choir, I saw our sad Messiah.
He was bored and tired of my laments.
He said, "I died for you one time, but never again"


Every time I hear this song I still tear up. This was written about a girl who died in a car accident. I forget the whole story but it is definiately one of the saddest songs on the album. This is my favorite part of it, as well.

He is telling her that he loves her but will continue living his life because that is what she would want him to do.

In this album, Jesse makes a lot of references to God and his faith. I grew up in a Christian home but after 16 years, I finally realized that I have no idea why I believed why I did. I set out to find the truth and have yet to find anything...i guess you can call me agnostic.

The reason I say this, is because in all of the mentions of God in Jesse's lyrics, there are sorrowful and full of doubt. For example, as stated before in "Millstone", he prayed that God was really listening. This shows the doubt he had in his heart that there was really a God in the first place.

In "Limousine", he basically says, "Yeah, there's a God. But he's sick of us and gave up all hope of saving us." He is telling us, "God doesn't care anymore. He died for us, but we didn't appreciate it so he won't do it again. It's our own fault this world is fucked up."

"So they say, they say in Heaven
There's no husbands and wives.
On the day that I show up
They'll be completely out of their forgiveness supply.
And I can't use the telephone, to tell you that I'm dead and gone,
So you won't know
You won't know.
You won't know. "

-"You Won't Know"

Last but not least, my favorite song on "The Devil and God Are Raging Inside Me" I cry during this song. And if the lyrics above don't make you sad, you are a robot.

Jesse mentions the same name of a girl that he did in "Limousine" which could lead us to believe that this is also written to her. But we are also lead to believe this was written before the other one. "Limousine" was written in such a way that the mother of the girl, Kay (as we are told), is speaking to her. "You Won't Know", is obviously from her lover.

In song order on the album, "Limousine" is heard before "You Won't Know", but it sounds like they should be switched. "Limousine" is a song to her after she has died and "You Won't Know" is for when her lover dies and leaves her behind. (My interpretation of it anyway)

In conclusion, these are only three of the dozens of reasons why Jesse Lacey will always have a special place in my life.

here he is:



Going Through The Motions





hate myself.



i wish i had a time machine so i could go back to before we let vogue tell us how to look.

society wasn't always like this. during the time of mythology, being skinny was a sign that you were poor. you didn't have enough money to eat.

me, my mom and my dad were at the fine art museum the other day and we saw a statue of Venus, the god of beauty. My mom decided to open her mouth and announce that she did not find her attractive at all because she looked fat. My mom was bragging that she had a better body than the Greek god of beauty.

i remember when i found out about Bulimia-Nervosa. it was one of those school lectures about growing up. i remember thinking 'why would someone want to make themselves throw up?' I was sick a lot as a child. I have always had mild stomach olsers, so i threw up a lot against my will.

i just couldn't understand it.

but then i found myself caught in the hurricane that is an eating disorder and i understand why they do it.

it is like your insurance policy.

and you feel like hell afterward, but you can't stop.

stop telling us to give it up.
we can't.


Give Me A Reason To Believe

Religion is really dumb.

It has caused more wars than we can count, people are ridiculed, beaten and killed for believing a certain way.

But the thing that really bugs me is when people feel the need to shove their beliefs on someone else. America has freedom of religion but that does not mean you can force it on other people.

For example: my aunt has three children. the oldest son is away at college, the middle daughter is a sophmore in high school and the youngest son is a freshman in high school.

My aunt has a lot of problems. she's going through her second divorce and can't afford her house anymore, she is a third grade teacher, her kids hate her because she has never made an effort to have any relationship with her, she basically denounced having any relation to me whatsoever.

I know my mom and her family are christians but i have never really seen them live their life in a way that would show it. None of us (the kids) really had a good example of a christian life, yet still expected us to get it.

As of now, I am agnostic. But this story is about my aunt.

Her daughter is really into volleyball and it is hard for her to keep up her school work during the season. So here is the conversation between mother and daughter:

Mother: I would be praying about volleyball if I were you.
Daughter: I'll pray if I want to.
Mother: No. You will pray because I am telling you to.
Daughter: You can't make me pray. It's none of your buisness if I pray or not.
Mother: It is my buisiness and I am your mother. You will believe what I tell you to believe.

Am I the only one who wants to slap the woman? I don't even know what to say. Everything about that is fucked up.

You can't force someone to think like you. you can't force them to believe everything you believe. In trying, they actually pull away even more. The more you try to shove Jesus down someones throat, the more the more proof they have against him. People lose respect for you and to be honest, it's really annoying.

I remember when my mom found out about my agnosticism..I think she started crying. I was angry. The topic came up because she said you can't really love or hate anyone without knowing them. but she then said 'except marilyn manson. i hate him.'

I, being a marilyn manson fan, of course defended him and she just said 'He judges me."
So does this mean that the punishment for judgment is judging them right back. My mother hate someone she knows nothing about.

Just because he looks different and his lyrics aren't family friendly..she will never know what it is like to be him. At least he isn't using his religion as an excuse. If his beliefs offend you, don't listen to them. If you don't know him, don't assume you do. If you wish he wasn't so anti-christian..give him a reason to believe you should be. I understand both sides and I know that christianity doesn't mean anything today.

Christians are going to Marilyn Manson concerts and you would never be able to tell them apart. Christians are killing people, bombing abortion clinics, doing all of these things that I'm pretty sure Jesus wouldn't get caught doing.

Religion is a choice. A personal choice. I won't judge you for what you believe in...as long as your actions back up your words.

I am obviously not going to come to christ because the kid i snort cocaine with after school told me it saved his life. bullshit.


Let's Talk About Sex

a few weeks ago, IFC (independent film channel) had a week long special called 'Indie Sex'

I'm not sure why but I have been thinking about some things they talked about for the past few days.

each of the episodes discussed a certain topic of sexuality in the film industry. Dita Von Teese was one of the many people to give their thoughts.

The first night was 'Taboos.' The name is pretty self explanatory. The viewer was given basic information that dated back to the earliest days of film.

The next night was 'Extremes.' This dealt with fetishes and things of that sort. In my opinion, this was the most interesting night.

The third was 'Teenagers.'

Teenagers was my favorite, maybe because I relate with it the most. Movies such as 'Fast Times At Ridgemont High', 'Dirty Dancing', 'Porky's', '...But I'm A Cheerleader!', and 'American Pie'. Not to mention one of my favorite movies ever, 'Mysterious Skin.'

Obviously, there were many many more, but these were some of the most known.

I don't remember which movie brought it up, but they started talking about the rating system and what is wrong with it. (It is one of the most flawed systems in use today.)

We all know that an 'R' rating means it is for adults, particularly 17 and over. But in today's society the internet shows us so much more beyond what the worst movie in the world could ever do.

An example of this is the movie 'You, Me and Everyone We Know.'

One of the topics this movie brings up is that anything on the internet is available for anyone at anytime. In the film, a twelve year old boy and his little brother (6 maybe?) are involved in cyber sex with an older woman.

The movie was given a 'NC-17' rating. What this means is basically that your movie is set to fail. Theaters will not show it and no one will get to see it. This is a film maker's worst nightmare.

The problem with this is that we are censoring something that we, as a society, don't want seen by the youth of this world. Yet children as young as six have already seen (or even experienced) worse.

Teenage sex isn't being censored. Truth is.

John Waters was interviewed for the program and I don't remember what led up to it but he was talking about asking a woman who worked at the MPAA rating movies and asked why his movie received and 'NC-17' rating. She mentioned something about the film including masturbation and she would not want her sixteen year old son to see something like that.. John simply pointed out that there is no way in the world that her son hasn't been exposed to it already.

Sex is a beautiful thing. Without it, none of us would be here right now.
It is something to be celebrated, not swept under the rug and keep it from us.

I doesn't work anyway.