we've pulled to many false alarms

chelsea said he asked about me. i saw him walking down my street. how hollywood is that shit? there is a huge hole in my life.

sometimes i feel like this dog laying next to me is the only one i can count on. she completes me. however, she is really sick and old and i know if i put my whole existence into her life, i will soon crash and burn. i am not a pessimist but i am trying to, for once, get a hold on reality. i can not depend on anything.

my eating disorder is back. i didn't even plan it this way. slowly i have been drinking more coffee and smoking more cigarettes and at the end of the day i have had no food. i have gained a lot of weight so maybe this is a good thing. i am a broke bum sucking up to my parents so they can support my lazy ass. what is the point? i am so apathetic it makes me sick.

Heroin, be the death of me
Heroin, its my wife and its my life
Because a mainer to my vein
Leads to a center in my head
And then Im better off and dead

no i do not shoot up heroin. i have just been listening to that song a lot lately. for me heroin is a symbol for something less tangible. like my depression or something. could be. maybe not.

I dont know just where Im going
But Im gonna try for the kingdom, if I can
cause it makes me feel like Im a man
When I put a spike into my vein
And Ill tell ya, things arent quite the same
When Im rushing on my run
And I feel just like jesus son
And I guess that I just dont know

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