show me the kind of affection you only see in movies

last night, my parents, friend and i toasted to a year better than this past one.

hopefully no suicide attempts.
hopefully no mental hospitals.
hopefully no ruined friendships.

and my silent resolution is to get over you.
i will not sit back and let this slowly tear me to pieces.

i'm sure you will read this eventually, but i am not telling you any of this because this is for me.
this is so i can look back and remember.

wow. i don't even know where to start.

ok. i love you.
so much.
more than you can ever even begin to imagine.
and i will never forget a single moment we shared.
(even though some i may want to)

you are my best friend and i realize now that it is all out of my control.
i'm not going to fight for you anymore.
i'm not going to sit and feel sorry for myself because you are happy.
i guess tonight i realized that it doesn't mean that i did anything wrong, or i'm not good enough.

i am not going to try and control your feelings anymore.

over the past few hours, i have thought about everything i missed out on.

when we said that we were going to have a walk-in freezer in our house. ha. that would have been fun.

and when i wrote "i love cameron" in the sand. i wanted to go back with you.

and when we had a picnic in my room with angel.
and when i gave you grover.
and when the little black boy talked to you outside of the library.
and when i met your fabulous family at brandie's birthday.
and watched dog the bounty hunter upstairs at your grandma's house.
and when you first met gaby.

and when your dad called me crazy.
and after the shiny toy guns show.
and when you got drunk and decided to write me a note.
and when i got injured at calvary.

i don't think i would change anything.

i wanted to travel with you.
when you asked for a penguin i told you to take me to italy.
it's ok.
i don't need you to go.

i wanted to marry you.
but it's ok.
there are other guys.

i wanted to have your baby.
and if we liked it..maybe babies?
but it's ok.
there are other guys with sperm.

i wanted to spend the rest of my life with you.
but it's ok.

i'm getting over you, right?

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