love is on the phone.

i guess it started last week.

i wanted to write about it, but i was hoping if i ignored it that it would go away.

but it got worse as time went on.


all the people who promised they would never leave me, have in fact left.

i guess it was last saturday, almost a week ago.
i was with chelsea and i had cameron's christmas presents with me.
i called him and decided that on my way home, we [me and chelsea] would stop and do a little gift exchange with him.
he told me he was at will's.
so we went there.

when we got there, will was nowhere to be found.
i wasn't disappointed or the least bit surprised.
he is still too much of a little bitch to face me.

so me, cameron and chelsea gave each other our christmas gifts in the entryway to will's house.

we liked them and hugged and cameron said
"well i don't know if you want to go in there and see will."
i shrug.
"macey's here, so yeah"

my first reaction is disgust.

macey is the girl will left me for.
i was second best and she was easy.

i have spent months blaming her, but i am finally realizing that she isn't the problem.
it was me.
it is me

on the way home, i cried in secret.
part of me wanted to talk about it, but i didn't feel like it.

we passed by a mall and the "s" in "macy's" was burnt out.
i started crying harder.
it's like the universe was laughing at me.

i felt so worthless.
thrown away.
you name it.

i wanted to know more about this macey chick.
i wanted to ask cameron since i knew i wouldn't be talking to will anytime in the nearfuture.
when i ended up talking to him later that night, i couldn't get the words out.

i guess i don't want to know what makes her better than me.
maybe it is the physical stuff.
but it's not like i would have pushed him off of me.
i'm not saving myself.

i feel like shit because i have never had to tell anyone "no" or "stop" or "not yet"
like they wouldn't want to anyway.


unlike the will/macey situation, this has been a longer time coming.

i have mentioned it previously

but the only boy i have ever loved decided he wants to be friends because he met someone else.
i guess i shouldn't be too upset since he, unlike some, told me about it.

but this has impacted me a lot more than macey ever could.

he expects me to go on like nothing is wrong.
and i am trying, i really am.
but it is so hard.

i have tried to make this clear to him, but i don't want to influence his emotions with mine.
i won't let myself be that girl.

but i am having a really hard time with seeing him with someone other than me.
i love him so much and just thinking about her kills me.

i have been avoiding him because it is getting hard to pretend that i am ok.
it is getting hard to be friends with him.

i can't see myself being friends with him and not being allowed to have more.

[and the most ridiculous]

i have had a huge crush on ben since third grade.
(that is roughly 8 years)

we lose touch for a while and about 6 months ago, we started talking again.

he found out that i had liked him, and still did.
but he basically said that i was way out of his league and that he wasn't a good person.
i honestly didn't give a shit, but that was his opinion.

so we stayed friends and ended up getting closer.

this whole time, i loved someone else
but the crush on ben has always been an underlying thing.
and to be honest, i think it always will be.

but regardless, i was with my boyfriend and ben ended up finding his own girlfriend.
i was happy just being his friend and my feeling weren't a factor at all.

the same night i found out the boy i loved liked someone else, i was talking to ben.

out of nowhere, he starts a conversation that went like this:

BEN: so i really have to get this out. i used to like you a lot.
ME: really...wow. i didn't know that.
BEN: yeah. well now you do.
ME: when was this?
BEN: back when we were kids and when we started talking again.
ME: so recently?
BEN: yeah. idk. it was weird.
ME: why was it weird?
BEN: because i didn't even know you but i wanted to go out with you.
ME: wow. me too.
BEN: we are weird.
ME: i guess.
BEN: do you still like me?
BEN: well you know i have a girlfriend and i love her so nothing will happen between us while i am still with her.
ME: no, i know that. and i completely understand.
BEN: ok good. and i am too happy with you as my friend.
ME: yeah, me too.

this weirded me out a little, but this wasn't the problem.
actually, this conversation made me happy.
even though i knew nothing was happening at the moment
the fact that at one time, he did have feelings for me put my mind at ease.
i always thought that i had no chance in hell with him.

what upset me was a few weeks later, i went to see his band play.
he had been begging me for a while to go.
so i did.
when i went to talk to him after, he completely ignored me because of his girlfriend.
i could tell that i wasn't wanted there, so i just left.

the next day he told me that he was sad i left without talking to him.
and i just told him that i was sad because it seemed like he didn't want to talk to me.
and after he told me that it wasn't true and he really really wanted me to wait for him to be done talking to his girlfriend he said:

"If I didn't have a girlfriend, I would totally want to go out with you."

this was a little more upsetting since a few days earlier he told me how much he loved her and thought he would never break up with her.

finally, on christmas eve, he called me to say that he had broken up with her.

now, 5 days after i found out he was single..
i still haven't talked to him.

i am confused.
i am disappointed.
i am angry.

for wanting to be single so he could date me, he is being a little bitch.

i finally texted him today and he text back.
i replied to him and he didn't after that.

i feel like he changed his mind.
he doesn't like me after all.

maybe he thought he did, but only because he knew he couldn't have me.

i don't even know where to go from here.
and that scares me.

No comments: