Mama, We All Go To Hell

i can't imagine what it feels like to have a daughter with mental illness.

i have drove my mother into a midlife crisis.

i am hesitant to even call her a mother anymore. she is trying to be a friend. she tries to buy my love. she lets me spend the night at random guys houses.
i know, where is the problem, right?

the problem is, it is 9:00 pm and she hasn't come home yet. she spends more time with her co-workers than she does with me. she has no problem with me doing things as long as it doesn't interfere with her 'Molly's Time'

(Molly's is the bar she now calls home)

All I have to do to get my license is prove to her that I am responsible enough to have it. But how can I do that if she is never around. If I had my fucking license, I wouldn't have to interfere with her precious Molly Time.

She takes me away from everything I know. All my friends. My boyfriend. Everything. And I can't even go visit them without her having to sacrifice her time and car and gas.

I have never been very fond of my mom. I started battling depression in third grade (after we moved for the millionth time) and all I really remember was wishing school wouldn't end so I wouldn't have to go home to her. I remember sitting in my room crying and ripping up pictures of her.

Everyone else loves her.
The sound of her voice makes me physically sick.

When I do something good for me, she makes me feel so fucking guilty about it because it was a slight inconvenience to her.

It feels like she doesn't care about my mental recovery anymore and just wants me to get better so she won't have to pay all the doctors and pharmacy bills.

she claims that she raised me in a christian home. in reality, the only christ-like example from her was driving me to church every sunday.

when i told her i didn't believe there was a god, all she could say is "what did i do wrong?"

fuck that.

Hush, now baby. Baby, don't you cry.
Momma's gonna make all of your nightmares come true.
Momma's gonna put all of her fears into you.
Momma's gonna keep you right here under her wing.
She won't let you fly, but she might let you sing.
Momma's gonna keep Baby cozy and warm.

people always say how lucky i am that i have a cool mom.
i say things like "yeah, i know"
but inside i am saying "i don't have one."

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