Monster, How Should I Feel?

Her little whispers.
Love Me. Love Me.
That's all I ask for.
Love Me. Love Me.




the law says i can't give you specifics.

but in group therapy today we were talking about sexual abuse.

two of these girls i have come to see as my sisters, have been raped by people they were supposed to trust.



the thing that stands out the most in my mind about tonight, is not the stories they told. it isn't the tears i watched them shed. it wasn't the pain i saw in their eyes.

all i could think about is how unwanted i feel.

Her battered his tiny fists to feel something.
Wondered what it's like to touch and feel something.
Monster.
How should I feel?
Creatures lie here.
Looking through the window

it was mentioned that as a child, one of the girls did not understand what was happening and that even today, she has mixed feelings and didn't hate it.

our therapist told us that when we feel neglected, we don't know what to do with feelings like this.
we don't know anything else.




all i could think about is how neglected i feel.

not because no one seems to want to help me, because that isn't the case.

i feel neglected because no one has set me apart like these rapists did to my sisters.

i feel so disgusting and unwanted because i have never had to tell anyone to stop.

That night he caged her.
Bruised and broke her.
He struggled closer.
Then he stole her.
Violet wrists and then her ankles.
Silent Pain.
Then he slowly saw their nightmares were his dreams.

this may make me sound completely insane, but i want to feel like that.
i am not begging to be raped.
but i want to be wanted.



when i am driving on the highway, and the creepy middle-aged men stare at me..deep down part of me likes it.

don't get me wrong.
it's creepy as hell.

but it makes me feel attractive.

i want to be hit on.
i have never been hit on by a stranger.

it makes me feel repulsive.