i'll take the truth at any cost

i want to crawl into a cave and rot.

i have no friends.
the love of my life would rather be with someone else.
i'm so forgettable.
i am so scared to move back and not be welcomed.

i want to runaway.
but i don't know where to go.
or that history will just repeat itself.
what if this is all me.
what if i am the problem.
what if people run away from me because i gave them a reason.

all the boys i have been with over the past 6 months are with someone else now.
i'm starting to think that i am a social disease.
i'm fun to have around for a little while, but then it gets old.

i am temporary.

i'm tired of wasting my parents time and money.
paying for the therapist and psychiatrist and nutritionist
and nothing will ever come out of it

i don't know how to fix myself.
i don't even know what's wrong with me.
i can't be happy until i can change it.
but i don't even know what "it" is.

i hate looking around me and seeing everyone else live.
i'm tired of looking at the few people who seem to care about me.
i don't like putting them through this.
i know it hurts them to see me like this.
i don't want to hurt you anymore.

the only messages in my inbox are from a boy who likes me, but loves his girlfriend.
a cousin who wants a place for her and her lesbian girlfriend to makeout.
and a mom, making sure i am still alive.

i am temporary.

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