i'll take the truth at any cost

i want to crawl into a cave and rot.

i have no friends.

the love of my life would rather be with someone else.

i'm so forgettable.

i am so scared to move back and not be welcomed.

i want to runaway.

but i don't know where to go.

or that history will just repeat itself.

what if this is all me.

what if i am the problem.

what if people run away from me because i gave them a reason.

all the boys i have been with over the past 6 months are with someone else now.

i'm starting to think that i am a social disease.

i'm fun to have around for a little while, but then it gets old.

i am temporary.

i'm tired of wasting my parents time and money.

paying for the therapist and psychiatrist and nutritionist

and nothing will ever come out of it

i don't know how to fix myself.

i don't even know what's wrong with me.

i can't be happy until i can change it.

but i don't even know what "it" is.

i hate looking around me and seeing everyone else live.

i'm tired of looking at the few people who seem to care about me.

i don't like putting them through this.

i know it hurts them to see me like this.

i don't want to hurt you anymore.

the only messages in my inbox are from a boy who likes me, but loves his girlfriend.

a cousin who wants a place for her and her lesbian girlfriend to makeout.

and a mom, making sure i am still alive.

i am temporary.