At Your Funeral

last wednesday, my uncle committed suicide.

i can count the times i met him on one hand, but i had a really hard time at his funeral today.

i didn't know what had happened until after the service. and when i realized it was a suicide everything was different.

i would be lying if i said it didn't bring back suicidal thoughts in my head.

i saw his mother and brother crying, and i felt for them.
the world lost a great man.

the service was in remembrance of the wonderful life he led and to reflect on the good memories.

it made me think that when i die, however and whenever that may be, i can be remembered for the good i did.
the worries that fill my head after that thought are along the lines of 'would anyone really come to my funeral?' or 'would anyone even notice or care if i died?'

Nikki Sixx said that attending a funeral made him feel alive. it made him see how beautiful life is and changed him.

this funeral did the exact opposite for me.

it made me feel even more dead inside. more hopeless.

my uncle was 46 and his death showed me something..

what if it isn't going to get any better?
what if i am going to be this sad forever?
what if i spend the rest of my life wishing i were dead?

No comments: